Something keeps me holding onto nothing
by stanaticfanatic
Summary: 2014 Ficathon Entry. AU from 4x01. Three months after her shooting, Beckett is back - but Castle isn't. He's had enough and isn't following her anymore - and if she wants the happy ending then she's going to need to do the chasing, even if Castle is adamant he doesn't want her to. Rating changed to T out of precaution.
1. Chapter 1

She was crazy. Absolutely and definitely mad. What was she doing on a plane to California?! Dropping everything and flying to the other side of the country was not something she did often - only once, actually, and that had been in the name of justice. But this..this wasn't work related, not at all. No, this trip to California was about as personal as it got..

* * *

**Three months earlier.. **

Counting ahead to the people stood in front of her, she worked out she was sixth in line. She'd been lucky to come in and find it fairly empty - she knew there were only twenty minutes or so left of the signing when she arrived so most fans had had their books signed already. There were a couple of people behind her but security had closed off the queue now - good. She could get her book signed and then talk to him after he'd signed the final couple.

Butterflies scattered through her stomach as the thought of it. It had been three months since she'd seen him..three months since she'd been shot at Montgomery's funeral..three months since she'd led on that cemetery ground, bleeding from her bullet wound as he admitted he loved her.

_"No, Kate stay with me, Kate. Kate? I love you. I love you, Kate."_

The memories of that day were etched onto her brain for good..there was no way she could forget them, not ever. She had lied to him, though, she'd told him when he came to see her in the hospital that she couldn't remember a thing. It been selfish and despicable of her and she regretted lying to him like nothing else, but if these three months had taught her nothing else, it was that Richard Castle deserved the best and she couldn't have been the best for him, not then. Not when she was still sort of with Josh - but let's face it - that relationship was practically over the second Castle came back from the Hamptons.

She was in a better place now, but she still wasn't quite there, not where she needed to be for him. Her numerous chats with her father about the relationship she had with the writer had sort of made things a bit clearer for her. She wanted him, she was crazy about him, but not yet. She'd finish her therapy - both physical and psychological - and then she'd see where they stood. She knew he wouldn't wait forever and she had to accept the fact that if, in a couple of months when she was ready, he might have moved on. It was a huge risk but one she had to take - she couldn't live with herself if she jumped into it now and ruined it all by not being what he deserved.

But here she was, stood in line to get her book signed by him. From what she'd heard from the boys, Gates had kicked him out - but the mayor wasn't going to stand for that, not if she got him to come back. Grinning to herself, she couldn't believe she was seriously considering using the mayor as leverage against her Captain - who was she and where was the serious, by-the-book detective?

Finally, _finally_ it was her turn to see him.

"Kate. You can make it out to Kate." She waited with bated breath for him to look up, waiting for the moment he gave her that adorable grin that she was so completely in love with. The way his face crinkled up as he smiled..god that was her favourite face of his.

"What are you doing here?" He asked. Okay. So that she hadn't been expecting. Her smile faltered a little as she saw his face wasn't one of happy surprise, more of an 'I don't want to see you' surprise.

"I..Castle?"

"What are you doing here, Beckett?" He repeated. "I'm working."

_Oh the irony_. "Yeah, and you've spent the past three years annoying me at work, time to return the favour." She shot back, still hoping for him to break into a laugh and say how great it was to see her.

"Sorry, I've got other people to see." He was brushing her off? Three months without seeing him and the second she turned up he was batting her away with a wave of his hand!

She stepped to the side in shock, allowing the woman behind her to get her book signed. She hadn't been expecting a welcome party but..this? No, this was not what she had been expecting in the slightest. She headed outside the bookshop to wait for him, deciding she could convince him to come back when he was done working.

Glancing around, she saw him exit the bookstore, shaking hands with the employees and passing around his thanks. And then he saw her - the smile dropped off of his face and he _walked straight past her_. Okay wow, this was going to be harder than she thought.

"Castle, wait!" She called, jogging to catch up with him.

"I did. Three months - you never called." _Ah.._

"Look, I know you're angry-"

"Oh you're damn right I'm angry," he said, turning round to face her. "I watched you die in that ambulance, did you know that? You know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone you...someone you care about?" He was on the verge of saying someone you love but she didn't deserve that, not now.

"I told you I needed some time," she replied, pleading with him to understand.

"You said a few days."

"Well, I needed more."

"Well, you should've said that."

"Look, Castle, I'm sorry, okay? You're right, I should have called, shouldn't have shut you out, not when you-" _stop, Kate_, she told herself. She couldn't admit she had lied to him, not now - he wasn't even close to forgiving her for not calling, she couldn't make things worse. _Coward_. "You've been amazing to me, so much more than I deserved..and I know I've repaid you badly but I promise, if you give me the chance then I'm going to do whatever I can to make it up to you."

It was tearing him apart inside but he had to do this. "No. I'm sorry Beckett but I'm done. I can't _do_ this anymore, it's just not working," he took a deep breath, calming his emotions. "I'll come and explain everything to the boys - if Gates lets me in the precinct that is - maybe I'll see you around." And before she could reply, before she could even comprehend what had just happened he turned and walked away from her, not looking back.

Beckett was in a state of shock. Still stood on the pavement outside the bookstore, she couldn't do anything but stare into the space that Castle had just left. He was..gone. He'd..well, not dumped her, they hadn't been together but in a way he had. He was her partner and he'd dumped her, walked away like he didn't even care!

He'd come around, she reasoned with herself. He just needed a day or two to get used to her being back, then he'd be back to his usual joking, childlike self, back to the man she was so in love with. It hurt like hell him rejecting her like that, but she wasn't going down without a fight.

* * *

"Hey dad," Alexis called as he walked back into the loft. "How was the signing?"

"Oh you know, same old same old," he replied, attempting a smile. "I've got a bit of a headache actually, I'm gonna go have a nap." Luckily Alexis accepted this without any fuss, and he kissed her head as he walked past.

He'd lied - he didn't have a headache, he just wanted to be alone for a bit. Beckett showing up like that had been a complete shock, he was beginning to think he'd never see her again. He accepted it when she said she needed a few days after the shooting, but a few days had turned into a few months and she hadn't called, not once.

Even a text would have done, just to say she was doing okay and that she'd call when she was back at work. _Anything_..anything would have been better than nothing at all. Seeing her again at that signing..her book in front of him..the hopeful little look on her face..god he'd nearly forgotten everything that had happened between them when he saw her. Nearly given in to her and gone running back just like she probably expected he would. Ha, well this would teach her - she might be gorgeous and smart and funny and damn near perfect to him but she wasn't getting her own way, not this time. Oh no, she'd ruined it all and he wasn't going back, he was done.

He couldn't remember feeling this miserable, not since the day he'd come home to find Meredith in bed with her director..even then he probably hadn't felt this bad. He loved Kate, so damn much and cutting their partnership had been the second most painful experience of his life - watching her die in that ambulance topped the list. Why was it his best and worst memories revolved around her?

The last three years..she'd taken over his life. Not intentionally, at least not at first - oh no, she'd positively hated him when he first insisted on following her but he'd been hooked. Right from that moment she leant towards him after their first case and whispered 'you have no idea' in his ear, before sashaying away like a model on a catwalk.

He'd been enamoured with her since then, completely and utterly obsessed. He'd written books based on her, stood by her when she constantly refused to let him in, tried desperately to get to her before that bullet did and this was the result. He was lying on his bed at 3 in the afternoon, as miserable as a teenage girl who had been dumped by the high school football star.

If he wasn't so depressed at the way things had turned out, he'd laugh at himself. He was a grown man, for crying out loud, with an 18 year old daughter who was mere months away from leaving high school and heading off to college. So why was he the one acting like the teenager?

He'd done the right thing though, hadn't he? Completely severing all ties with her, no reminders of what used to be. It was for the best, for both of them. Hell, they'd already had three months practice, until today, he hadn't seen her once in the three months since he'd walked out of that hospital room and left her. Probably with Josh. Stupid Dr Motorcycle Boy. She probably didn't even care that he wasn't coming back. To her, it was probably all some stupid game - let's see how long I can string the writer along for before he gets bored. Well he had news for her - that time was now. She could go back to her life without him, back to work without him badgering her on cases, back to cosy evenings with Josh and their perfect little relationship.

"Dad?" Alexis said softly, tapping lightly on his door. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Pumpkin," he replied. The last thing he needed was his daughter worrying unnecessarily about him, she had her own problems to solve.

"Well I um, brought ice cream, if you want?" She entered the room, a small smile on her face. He grinned - trust her to know when he needed ice cream.

"Mint chocolate chip?" He asked seriously.

"Of course," she replied, as if to say 'what else?'

"Thanks Pumpkin." He took the tub and a spoon from her and dug in. "You gonna join me?"

"Thought you'd never ask," she sighed dramatically, rolling her eyes just like Beckett. No. No thinking of her, not anymore.

"So you gonna tell me why you're hiding in your room like a child or shall I just wait until it hits the fansites?"

"You know you're not supposed to look on those, Alexis," he scolded. "And I'm not _hiding_..just thinking." Alexis looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to provide more information. "I saw Beckett today," he admitted. "She came to the signing, I'm guessing she went back to work today."

"Oh," was all Alexis said. He knew she had strong opinions on the relationship he had with Beckett, but she was mature enough to know he didn't need to hear them, not unless it directly affected her.

"Go ahead," he sighed, "tell me you were right and that you told me so."

"What happened?"

"Not much. I told her I waited for three months and she didn't call. Then I told her we're done and I wasn't coming back."

"And she accepted that?" Alexis asked skeptically. The detective Beckett she knew wouldn't have given up so easily, not unless she didn't-

"Guess she doesn't care as much as I hoped she would."

"Well what did she say when you said you were done?"

"Nothing. I didn't give her the chance, I left before she could say anything."

"Well maybe in a couple of days-"

"No, Alexis, I'm done. I meant what I said and I'm not going back. Weren't you the one telling me it was too dangerous and that I needed to be more careful? Well now you don't have to worry because it's not happening anymore." He didn't mean to snap, he really didn't. But he was angry at Beckett and Alexis was the only one who cared enough to ask how he was feeling, thus meaning all his anger got directed towards her.

"Only trying to help," she muttered.

"Oh god, Alexis, I'm so sorry! None of this is your fault and I know I'm angry but that doesn't mean I should be taking it out on you-"

"It's fine, dad," she interrupted. "I know how much you care about detective Beckett-"

"Cared," he corrected. "Past tense." Lying through his teeth.

Alexis was on to him. "Maybe if you keep saying that enough then you might start believing it. 'Cause I'm not buying it. I've never seen you like this over a woman, never. Not with mom, not with Gina and definitely not with anyone else in between. You can say all you want that you don't care but you're only lying to yourself."

How was his kid so smart? "You're right, honey, and I really am sorry for taking it out on you."

"That's perfectly fine. Now come on, I'm taking a break from studying and you and I are going to play laser tag and then we're going out for burgers."

"Think I've got the worlds best daughter," he mused.

"And don't you forget it," she teased, pulling him up off of the bed.

* * *

"What, no Castle?" Ryan joked as Kate walked back into the precinct alone. She ignored him, sitting down at her desk.

"So, what have we got?" She asked. She saw the boys exchange glances but she appreciated the fact that they didn't say anything. Esposito launched into a description of their latest victim and the crime scene, as well as how far they'd got on the investigation.

Ryan watched Beckett with interest as Esposito brought her up to speed on the case. She wasn't herself, that much was for sure - and he didn't think it was only the having to re-qualify for her gun - which she had done with flying colours, obviously. No, there was something else..both he and Espo were expecting her to come back with Castle, Beckett wasn't one to let a simple thing like the captains rules get in her way, they both knew she'd have Castle call the mayor and he could be back in an instant. But he wasn't here and Beckett didn't seem to be in the mood for sharing, either.

Something had happened..she'd gone to see him, maybe? And he'd..said no? Yeah, that was his guess. He'd talk to Javi about it later, but he was fairly certain he'd figured it out. One thing was for sure though - they'd have to try their hardest to get Castle back, their team wasn't complete without him.

In all honesty, Kate wasn't listening to a word Espo said. She was hurt and upset and a little angry. He had every right to be mad at her, even take a couple of days after seeing her again but to quit it all completely? That wasn't him, he didn't just give up when things got tough, he was the one telling everyone else they had to keep going if they wanted the result they deserved.

His chair had been moved. The space it used to occupy was now empty, quite symbolic really.

"Beckett?" Espo called, bringing her back to earth. "You listening?"

"Yeah course, sorry, go on."

One final thought hit her, though. It probably wouldn't have changed anything, she doubted much could counteract the anger he was feeling right now but there was one thing he didn't know - she hadn't told him she'd broken up with Josh.

* * *

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	2. Chapter 2

A week. Seven days. One hundred and sixty eight hours, give or take a few. That's how long it had been since Beckett had last seen Castle, outside that bookstore as he walked away from her. She'd spent three months without seeing him while she recovered from her shooting, and yet this past week had been hell, absolute hell. It was being back at work, being back in the place she loved, the place Castle had firmly situated himself in over the past three years..except now he wasn't here. No chair by her desk, no coffee in front of her every morning. No childish jokes, no inane theories about aliens or the mob or the CIA. Richard Castle was gone from the precinct - and it didn't look like he was coming back.

* * *

"Come on, Lanie," Esposito pleaded, "just tell us already!"

"No!" Lanie replied, for what had to be the tenth time in the last ten minutes. "Whatever has happened between Kate and Castle is none of your business. Besides, I don't even know myself."

"Oh you don't expect us to believe that, do you?" Ryan added. "You're her best friend, I know how girls talk and stuff..you should hear Jenny with her friends!"

"She hasn't told me," Lanie reiterated. "And even if she had, the last thing I would be doing is telling you. Now, unless you actually need to be here for a professional reason, get out of my morgue before you end up on my autopsy table!"

Esposito and Ryan knew when to leave, neither of them had any doubt that they would become Lanie's newest patient if they hung around for much longer. "She definitely knows," Esposito said as they left.

"Uh huh, one hundred percent," Ryan agreed. Little did they know, Lanie had actually been telling the truth.

Back in the morgue, Lanie was still shaking her head at the two idiots Kate had to put up with. She wasn't surprised Kate hadn't told them if that's how they acted! She was a bit worried though, Kate hadn't even mentioned to her what was going on and she'd learnt from the boys that Castle hadn't been around all week - since Kate came back after her shooting. Something was going on and she was going to find out what.

"Beckett," Kate answered flatly as her cell rang, not even bothering to check the caller ID. Unless it was Castle, she didn't really care.

"Kate! Girl what is going on with you?"

Oh, it was Lanie. "Nothing, Lanie. Why?"

"Because I've just had tweedledee and tweedledum down here interrogating me for information about you and writer boy!"

"Oh," was all Kate replied.

"Oh? That's all you've got to say? Katherine Beckett I want answers!" Lanie said, not giving up. She didn't care if Kate didn't want to talk, she always bottled things up and it wasn't good for her.

"I'm fine, Lanie," she lied. In fact, she was a mess. Her partner and her best friend had given up on her walked away when she needed him the most. She could understand why, waiting three months couldn't have been easy but it didn't mean it hurt any less.

"Uh huh, and I'm the queen of England. Tonight, 7pm, you and me are going out for drinks. And don't even think about using work as an excuse, I know for a fact you haven't had a case since yesterday afternoon."

Kate sighed, Lanie was right. They'd wrapped their latest case yesterday afternoon and no bodies had dropped since then, looks like she had no choice but to agree to drinks with Lanie. "Fine, I'll meet you downstairs at 7," she relented.

"Perfect. And you can tell me all about what's going on with you and Castle," Lanie replied cheerfully before cutting off the call. Kate groaned, dropping her head to her hands. The last thing she wanted was to talk about Castle..but what choice did she have?

Seven o'clock rolled around far to quickly for Kate's liking, even with no open case. She'd spent the rest of her afternoon catching up on paperwork, desperately trying not to think of the many ways Castle used to try and distract her from it. When she could deny it no longer, she packed up her things and headed down to meet Lanie.

"There you are!" Lanie exclaimed when Kate exited the elevator. "I was about to send out a search party!"

"Lanie, it's ten past seven."

"Well you had no case so no excuse to be late," she said. "And don't even think about saying you were doing paperwork," Lanie added as Kate went to speak, "I know how much you hate it and I also know you would have dropped it the second you could."

Kate rolled her eyes but kept quiet. It was going to be a long evening, that much was obvious. The two of them hailed a cab, asking to be dropped outside one of their favourite little bars. They did great cocktails, which, Kate surmised, could help her get through the evening - she knew Lanie wouldn't believe her little 'I'm fine' act for half a second, she knew her too well. Hell, even the boys knew something was up if they'd gone to Lanie. It was sweet really - they might try and act like they didn't care but she knew they missed Castle too, he hadn't been in to explain why he wasn't coming back yet, not when she was there anyway.

"So," Lanie began as their drinks arrived. "You gonna tell me what's going on?"

"Noth-"

"Don't make me call Castle," Lanie threatened and Kate knew she had to admit it then.

"He isn't coming back," she said quietly. "I went to his book signing last week, let him know I was back and stuff and he..said we were done."

"Oh honey," Lanie soothed. She could tell from Kate's behaviour this last week that it wasn't good but she never expected anything that bad. "Did he say why?"

"Just that he spent three months waiting and I didn't call," Kate shrugged, fighting back the tears. It was her own stupid fault for not calling but she never in a million years imagined he'd be this angry. "I needed that time, Lanie. I was..a mess after the shooting and I needed the time to get to grips with it and get back to my old self again." Not that she was there yet, not really. She'd mastered the art of acting like she was but she still had weekly physical therapy sessions and at least twice, if not three times weekly sessions with her therapist, Doctor Burke.

"I know you did sweetie, and that's why we left you alone!," Lanie said softly. "Because you can be sure that if we thought it would have helped, we all would have been up to see you as much as we could. But we know you, Kate, we know you needed that time to heal."

"I know, and I appreciated it, I really did," Kate said, attempting a smile. "I guess I just thought Castle felt more for me than he does." She hadn't told Lanie about what he'd said as she was shot, she hadn't had the chance.

"I'm sure he cares about you, Kate, that won't ever stop."

"He told me he loved me," she whispered, looking down at her drink.

"He did wh- when?!" Lanie screeched, earning looks from other customers in the bar.

"When I was shot," Kate revealed, "just before I blacked out, he told me he loved me."

"Wait, but Castle said you didn't remember anything from the shooting..did your memory come back while you were away?" Lanie asked, slightly confused.

"No it uh..never went," she admitted. "I was scared, Lanie. Someone had just tried to kill me and I was still with Josh and then Castle comes along telling me that..I just didn't know what to do and I thought if I just pretended I didn't remember, then it solved everything.."

"Except now it's made things a hundred times worse?" Lanie asked and Kate nodded. "Wait, are you and Josh.."

"No," Kate said. "I broke up with him the day I was discharged from the hospital. Castle was right - I hid in relationships with men I didn't love so I didn't have to face the truth. It wasn't fair to Josh to keep going when my heart was..somewhere else."

"With Castle," Lanie added and Kate nodded again. "Can't say I'm surprised, sweetie, you and Castle have had something since day one."

"Yeah and now I've ruined everything, just like I was scared I would." God it was such a mess.

"I take it he doesn't know you remember what happened?"

"No," Kate replied, shaking her head. "I didn't really get much of a chance to speak to him before he left, he doesn't know I've broken up with Josh, either."

"You think it'll make a difference?"

"I thought it might but now..now I'm not so sure. He hates me anyway, I don't think being single is going to change that."

"He doesn't hate you," Lanie counteracted with a wave of her hand. "He's just angry - and he has every right to be. We all know you needed that time but you probably should have called, or even text, just to tell him you were okay. He was a mess when you were shot, Kate, beating himself up for not getting to you in time. You can't blame him for wanting to be kept in the loop."

"I don't blame him, I blame me. If I hadn't been so stupid and stubborn and just called him then this wouldn't be happening! I want to be enough for him, I really do..but I'm not, not yet and now I doubt it'll even matter if I am because he isn't coming back."

"Well you aren't going to know unless you try," Lanie announced. "I'm assuming you're seeing a therapist?" Kate nodded..how did Lanie know- "you were shot in the chest, Kate, it was only natural that you'd see someone about it. Now, you're going to talk to him about it, okay? And you're going to work on getting yourself better - both mentally and physically and then, when you're ready, you can talk things out with Castle, okay?"

"If you say so," Kate agreed half-heartedly. No matter how much Lanie tried to help, she wasn't sure much short of a nuclear bomb threatening the city could get Castle to talk to her again. She hadn't called, not yet. She was going to, she just wanted to give him time to cool off, perhaps next week she could try, see if he'd meet for coffee or something. She might not be ready for a relationship just yet, but she wanted her partner back.

* * *

"Dad dad dad," Alexis called as Castle walked back into the loft. He'd been in meetings with Black Pawn all morning but it seemed he'd missed something while he'd been gone.

"Woah," he laughed, "what is it?"

"I got in!" Alexis announced, "Stanford! I got the letter today!"

"Alexis! Oh honey, I'm so proud of you!" Castle beamed, wrapping his daughter in a tight hug. She might be all grown up and heading to college in a couple of months, but she was still his little girl. "I know how hard you've worked for this and you deserve all the offers you've got. So, know where you're gonna go yet?" This was her third offer from the top universities. A couple of the less academic - but still brilliant - had offered her places but he knew she was only using them as a back up if she didn't get accepted where she wanted to go.

"No," she laughed nervously. "I was waiting until I heard from Stanford..I mean, getting accepted to Colombia was amazing, and then Oxford as well - I never dreamed Stanford would offer me a place too!"

Oxford. God his daughter was seriously considering moving to England for university, that was scary. "You've wanted to go to Stanford ever since you were three years old," Castle reminded her. "Well, apart from that brief month when you were about ten where you decided you wanted to go to Princeton."

"Because that's where the princes go," Alexis laughed. "That was only because I was obsessed with A Cinderella Story at the time." She had made her father watch that movie every night for a month and he did, without complaining. "It's just..Oxford is amazing but so far away. I mean I know Stanford is the other side of the country, but it's not the other side of the Atlantic!"

"Sweetie, if you want to go to Oxford, then go to Oxford." He'd miss her terribly but he had to accept she was growing up. "But don't give up on Stanford just because you can go to England. You can visit anytime time you like. We can even go this summer, if you want."

"Thanks dad, but maybe next year, hey?" She laughed. "You're right though, if Oxford wasn't in England, I wouldn't even be considering it. Colombia would be good, because it's not far..but at the same time I want to move away..hey, you could always move to California too! And then I could see you on weekends!"

"Sounds great, honey," he joked but thinking about it..she might actually have a point. What better to start afresh, without memories of Beckett than a whole different state?

"Well, I'm going to go and call Grams, tell her about Stanford. I wanted to tell you first."

"Thank you, sweetie," he smiled. "And I really am so proud of you."

Alexis had just disappeared upstairs when there was a knock at the door. Hopping down from the bar stool he was sat on, he walked across the loft to answer it - and found Esposito and Ryan outside his door. Yeah, moving to California was starting to look more and more appealing..

* * *

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	3. Chapter 3

As soon as he opened the door to Esposito and Ryan, Castle remembered he hadn't gone in to explain to the boys why he wasn't coming back. He'd been so busy trying to remove thoughts of Beckett from his mind and unfortunately that meant not thinking about Esposito and Ryan too, not if he wanted to make this as easy as possible.

"Hey guys," he smiled. "Come on in."

Esposito and Ryan walked in, neither of them saying much and neither of them looking very happy. Castle had some explaining to do. "So," Esposito began. "Wanna tell us why you're not back at the precinct and Beckett is wandering around like she lost an arm or something?"

She was? Castle couldn't help but let a small spark of joy fizzle at that - Beckett was actually missing him? After three months of no contact, all it took was him cutting their working relationship and she was moping about? That didn't sound like the Beckett he knew, there must be more to it than that.

"It just..wasn't working, guys," Castle told them, heading back into his loft and setting the coffee maker. He saw Esposito and Ryan share a look, quite clearly not believing a word he'd just told them.

"Not working? Yeah right," Espo scoffed.

"Come on, Castle, this is us you're talking to. We know there must be something more to it than that and we're not going to believe it's because of Gates, either, we know you have the mayor on speed dial!" Ryan supplied.

Castle sighed, knowing he wasn't going to get away with a half hearted excuse. And in all fairness, the boys deserved a proper explanation, they hadn't done anything wrong. Oh god he sounded like a dad who was trying to explain to his kids why mommy and daddy weren't together anymore.

"Look, I might be angry at Beckett but not enough to give you all the details. Just..the three months she was gone she didn't call once and then she comes back expecting everything to be fine, not even an apology!"

"Dude, she got _shot_ in the _chest_.."

"I know!" Castle shouted, his anger flaring. "I was there, remember? I held her in my arms as she bled out and then I watched her die in that ambulance! Do you have any idea what that's like? Watching the woman you love die right in front of your eyes and not being able to do anything about it?" He hadn't meant to say so much but with Esposito defending her..his emotions had just got the better of him. What did it matter now, anyway? He'd told Beckett he loved her and she hadn't remembered a second of it, instead she'd disappeared for three months - probably with Josh, she didn't need him complicating things any further.

"Woah, sorry Castle, we didn't know," Ryan said.

"Yeah we uh..sorry," Espo added, both of them looking a little shocked at his outburst.

"Sorry guys, none of this is your fault I just.."

"You love her." It wasn't Esposito or Ryan that finished off his sentence, it was Alexis. "I just finished talking to Grams and I heard you shouting..sorry, dad, I didn't meant to interrupt."

"Don't worry about it, Pumpkin," Castle told her.

"We're um..gonna go.." Ryan said as he and Espo headed towards the door.

"Hey guys?" Castle called, "thanks for coming over, I really appreciate it. And we can have a boys night soon, yeah?"

"We'll be here," Espo smiled as they left.

"You shouldn't have had to hear that, Alexis, I'm sorry," Castle told her, running a hand through his hair. He was just so on edge since cutting things with Beckett and Esposito and Ryan had only served as a reminder of what he'd walked away from.

"It's fine dad, you're hurting, I get it. Maybe you shouldn't have taken it out on the guys but I'm sure they understand."

"I just..why doesn't she care, Alexis? Three years we've been working together, three years of getting shot at, apartments being blown up, getting locked in a freezer together..and now it's like none of that even happened!"

"Have you thought that she might be hurting too, dad?" Alexis asked tentatively. She wasn't exactly detective Beckett's biggest fan when it came to her dad, that she could admit, but at the end of the day, Beckett had been shot in the chest, that had to take some getting over.

Castle knew Alexis was right but it didn't stop him feeling angry. He understood that Beckett needed that time to heal, but she had all but thrown him out of her hospital room, telling him she needed a few days, not a few months. Would it have hurt to have sent him a text every now and then?

"I know, Pumpkin. Maybe I just need some time to come to terms with her being back, it hasn't even been two weeks yet."

He could tell just by looking at his daughter that she wasn't convinced but thankfully she didn't say anything.

"So, what do you say we go out and celebrate your offer from Stanford? Movies this afternoon and then dinner?"

"Sounds perfect, dad," Alexis grinned.

* * *

"How're you feeling now you're settled back at work?" Dr Burke asked. It was Thursday and this was the third meeting they'd had in five days.

"I'm not settled," Kate muttered, "not without Castle." It was ridiculous, she'd managed perfectly well before she'd met him but now that she had got used to having him around, the fact that he wasn't there anymore was a big deal. "It's just not the same. At first, he was annoying and I couldn't wait for the day he finally had enough research for his new books..but now..now I can't imagine ever getting over him not being there."

"Kate, you're an accomplished detective, one of the best, I've heard, surely you can still do your job without him?"

"Of course I can," Kate snapped before apologising. "I'm sorry, it's just..yeah, I can do my job without him, of course I can, I just don't know if I want to. We don't have an easy job but Castle..he made it better, lit up the day when we thought it couldn't get any worse with his stupid jokes."

"It's okay to get angry, you have every right to that - somebody shot you, Kate, I'd be worried if you weren't angry."

"But I'm not angry at whoever shot me, not really." She was slightly but once she'd found out there were no new leads, she'd looked more to getting Castle back - which was proving a lot more difficult than she had anticipated. "I'm angry at.." Who was she angry at?

"Yourself? Castle?" Dr Burke supplied helpfully.

"Yeah, I guess," Kate shrugged. "But why should I be angry at Castle? He's done nothing but good, he tried to save my life and I repaid him by disappearing off the face of the earth for three months, I shouldn't have expected him to just come back when I asked."

"After everything the two of you have been through together, I think it was only a fair assumption to think he'd come back. Perhaps it would have made things easier if you had called once in a while, but I don't think your expectations were completely unrealistic."

The more Beckett thought about it, the more she agreed. It made sense - after everything that had happened, why wouldn't he come back when she did? Now, of course, she could understand why he was angry but before, it had seemed absurd that he would say no.

"You told me you broke up with Josh," Dr Burke continued. "Do you think that was the right decision?"

"Yes." There was no way on earth staying with Josh was the right thing to do, it wasn't fair on either of them - or on Castle.

"I'm going to be honest with you," Dr Burke said, "I have a feeling your current status with Castle is hindering your recovery." Kate wasn't surprised, she knew she'd gone downhill since Castle had blown her off. "Have you tried talking to him?"

"No," Kate admitted. "I wanted to give him some time to call off..do you think I should call him?" She had been thinking about it anyway, deciding almost two weeks was enough time for him to calm down slightly.

"I think it could help," Burke nodded. "I think you did the right thing by not calling straight away, giving him the space he wants, but if you're to move forward, then now is a better time than any. But I need you to be prepared for him to reject you again, from what you've told me, he'd not going to come down easily."

Beckett was starting to think he wouldn't forgive her at all, she'd take hard over never any day.

"And I also feel I should say that if he does say no, you need to move on. You're not going to get any better until you accept what has happened and waiting for something that may never happen isn't the right way to be going about it."

Kate hadn't been expecting that and she imagined the shock was evident on her face. Give up on Castle? Not likely, he hadn't given up on her, not once in the past three years, she'd be damned if she ran at the first sign of trouble.

"But, go and call him. Arrange coffee or something and see how it goes from there," Burke suggested, quite clearly trying to put her mind at rest. "Would you like to make another appointment for Monday?"

"Please," Kate nodded. She'd suck it up and call Castle tonight, she just had to hope he was willing to listen.

* * *

Beckett's picture was flashing up on his screen, his phone trilling as it alerted him to an incoming call. Castle sat there and watching it, hands clasped firmly in his lap as he tried his hardest not to just give in and answer the call. He missed her, so much that it was killing him to do this but it was easier. The phone stopped ringing and few seconds later, it buzzed as it alerted him to a new voicemail message. He deleted it without listening to her voice, it was best this way, a clean break for them both.

Even as he thought the words he knew he was lying to himself, anything had to be easier than this.

* * *

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	4. Chapter 4

Sighing with slight disappointment once again, Beckett dragged her cell phone away from her ear and hit the end call button, Castle wasn't answering. No surprise there. Ever since that appointment she'd had with Burke, almost six weeks ago now, when he suggested she call Castle, she had done twice a week. She'd left a message that first time, but he'd never got back to her. She wasn't giving up though, every Tuesday lunchtime and Friday evening, she called Castle without fail, no matter what she was doing or what case they were swamped with at work.

It might seem stupid, calling a man who quite clearly didn't want to talk to you, some would call it harassment but he hadn't made a complaint yet, no restraining orders made against her. In Beckett's mind though, calling him twice a week let him know that she was persistent and that she wasn't giving up on him anytime soon. Well, ever.

Sitting at her desk in the precinct that Tuesday lunchtime, she threw her cell back onto her desk just as Ryan reappeared from lunch.

"Castle still not answering?" He asked sympathetically. She knew the two of them had gone to see him, but they were keeping tight lipped on what Castle had actually said. Whatever it was, they weren't blaming her, not completely anyway. She had a feeling Lanie had something to do with that, the ME managing to convince the boys that Kate had done what she thought was right and that even though it wasn't, she was desperately trying to put it right, whatever it took. To their credit, the boys didn't mention him often - which she was grateful for, it was hard enough to do her job with the new captain breathing down their necks every five minutes, she didn't need constant reminders of Castle, too.

"No," Beckett replied, running her hands through her hair in frustration. She understood his anger, she really did but it didn't mean she accepted it. However, as Lanie had so helpfully pointed out, Castle was doing to her exactly what she had done to him in the three months after she had been shot so he was just giving her a taste of her own medicine. And it tasted disgusting. "I know he's angry and I get it but.."

"You just want him back," Ryan finished helpfully and Beckett nodded.

"Is that too much to ask? To want my best friend back? It's killing me here, Ryan, I'm not sure how much longer I can go without seeing him."

"Have you been to see him?" Ryan asked although he already suspected the answer. Castle still met with him and Javi once a week and he failed to believe Castle wouldn't have mentioned it if Beckett had attempted to meet with him.

"No," Beckett sighed, shaking her head. "I can't even get him to answer my calls, I highly doubt he'd take too well to me showing up unannounced, uninvited and unwanted." She was feeling sorry for herself and she knew it.

"Why don't you get out of here?" Ryan suggested. "We've got no case, Gates is out until Friday and if I know you like I think I do, that paperwork would have been done an hour after we charged our suspect."

Ryan was right - her paperwork was done and they had no case, the boys would call if a body dropped, but she could have an afternoon off, wander the city, get coffee at a little cafe she liked near Central Park.. "You know what, Ryan, you're right. I'm gonna go, just make sure you call me if a body drops, 'kay?"

"Sure thing, boss," Ryan smiled. He hoped a body didn't drop, for her sake. She'd pretty much been living here in the six weeks since she'd come back and she needed some down time. He knew it must be hard if her, Castle not being here and not even wanting to talk to her, but she still needed to remember to live. He smiled as he watched her go, making a mental note to talk to Javi about ways to get their old Beckett back - even if it meant doing it without Castle.

* * *

"Hey Lanie," Beckett called as she walked into the morgue. She was on her way out of the precinct, just as Ryan had suggested but she decided a visit to Lanie was in order first.

"Girl, you made me jump!" Lanie laughed, "what're you doing down here, I don't have a body of yours?"

"I'm heading out, Ryan's idea," she shrugged. "Thought I'd pop down for a chat before I go."

Lanie smiled and nodded, silently thinking Ryan had done good - how he managed to force Kate into taking the afternoon off she'd never know but she wasn't arguing, Kate needed some time off.

"He's still not answering," Kate admitted. Lanie wasn't asking but she wouldn't - Kate had learnt weeks ago that Lanie wasn't talking about it unless Kate brought it up first.

"You're not giving up then," Lanie asked absentmindedly, bustling around the morgue as she pulled things out and put others away.

"We've been over this, Lanie," Beckett warned, narrowing her eyes at her best friend.

"We have and I'm sorry, sweetie," Lanie sighed, standing up and facing Beckett. "I just..I care about you, and I don't want you to get hurt."

"Bit late for that," Kate muttered. "I know you think I should just drop it and move on but I can't. He's it for me, Lanie, there is no one else. I'm not giving up, not now and not ever." Even if she spent the rest of her life alone, clinging to the smallest part of hope that he would one day come around. It wasn't going to be easy and it wasn't going to fun, but like she'd just told Lanie - it was him or no one. She couldn't be in a relationship with anyone else when her heart had belonged to Castle for a long time now.

"Okay honey, I hear ya," Lanie said with a small smile. "And you know I'll always be here for you, right? No matter what you insist on doing."

"I know," Beckett smiled, "and I appreciate it, I really do. I'm gonna go for a walk..get some air, I think I've been cooped up in that bullpen for far too long!"

"Alright sweetie, enjoy your free afternoon - and call me if you need me!" Lanie added as Kate headed back out of the morgue. Staring at the door Kate had just exited, Lanie thought for a moment before grabbing her cell from her desk.

'_You ever gonna put that girl out of her misery?'_ She typed, before sending the text to Castle.

He text back a few minutes later._ 'Its easier this way, Lanie.'_ Was all he wrote. Lanie laughed out loud - if he thought he could kid her with that text then he was sadly mistaken, there was no way on earth she believed it was easier for either of them this way, but who was she to do anything? She just had to hope Castle came around sooner rather than later, she wasn't sure how much longer Beckett could cope, in spite of her 'everything's fine' act that Lanie wasn't buying.

* * *

Beckett decided to walk to Central Park, thinking the fresh air might clear her head a little, she really had been in the precinct for too long. To be fair, she thought she was doing better. Her appointments with her physical therapist were now down to just twice a month and she was only seeing Burke once a week.

She had to admit though, when it came to her meetings with Burke, she did put on a little bit of an act. She had told him over the past few weeks that she was moving on, accepting that Castle wasn't coming back. It wasn't a complete lie, she had told herself there was a possibility that he wouldn't forgive her but she pushed it to the back of her mind most of the time, and tried to think positively - it might take a while but Castle would come back eventually. Burke knew she was calling Castle twice a week though, and seemed to accept her reasoning behind it - even if it never worked out, if Castle never forgave her, she needed him to know that she never once gave up on him.

Arriving at her favourite little cafe, Beckett ordered coffee and a pastry, choosing to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine. As much as she tried to think positive, the fact that after almost six weeks Castle still wasn't answering was playing on her mind a little. Perhaps she should change when she called..maybe she could catch him off guard and hope he didn't hang up on her..

* * *

Swiping his thumb across the screen, Castle unlocked his phone and tapped on the little green icon to get rid of the notification telling him he had a missed call. He knew he had a missed call, he had missed it on purpose, ignoring his phone as it buzzed on his desk while he was writing. Or not writing. In fact, his screensaver had popped up some time ago, having not written a word in at least half an hour.

He was struggling with the book. With his previous one having just been published, Gina wanted the first three chapters of the next one in two weeks time - and so far he had half a paragraph written. He just didn't know where to take it, as much as she played it down, Kate Beckett _was_ Nikki Heat - and with no Kate Beckett, he wasn't sure if there was a Nikki Heat.

He should at least answer her calls, he knew that. But he couldn't deny the small spark of satisfaction resonating inside of him every Tuesday and Friday when she called, the fact that even though he hadn't answered for six weeks, she was still trying, she hadn't given up. And if he was honest, that was a small reason for not answering - if he did and they argued would she then stop calling? It was selfish and uncalled for but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, even if she had hurt him.

It was okay at first, because half the time he simply missed her calls, busy writing or with Alexis, but now he had figured out exactly when she was going to call and found it harder and harder to tear himself away from his cell at that moment, waiting to see if she was still trying to speak to him.

He might answer next time, see what it was that she was going to do when he actually answered..

* * *

Finishing up her coffee, Beckett pulled out her phone and hesitated - she'd built up a little routine over the last six weeks, she called after lunch on a Tuesday and when she got home on a Friday - but she was about to break it all and call him mid Tuesday afternoon, just to try and catch him off guard.

Oh screw it, he probably wouldn't answer anyway. Pulling up her recent call list, she tapped on his number and waited for it to ring. On the third ring, something unexpected happened - he answered.

"Hi, Beckett," he said softly. Oh god it was heaven to hear his voice, it had been far too long.

"Castle," she breathed out, she hadn't been expecting him to answer. "I um..hi. How are you?"

"I'm good," he replied, "how are you?"

"Not too bad," she lied. In all honesty she had just about been managing to cope, but hearing his voice again was doing one hell of a number on her recovery. "I uh..can we meet? To talk?"

She felt his hesitation and mentally prepared herself for him to say no but he surprised her for the second time in as many minutes. "Okay, coffee?"

She'd just had a cup but if it meant she could see him, she'd drink it all day. "Sure, uh..I'm at that cafe in Central Park if you wanna come here? Or we can go-"

"That's fine, Beckett," he cut her off sharply. "I'll be there in fifteen." He cut the call off and she let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. He was actually coming to meet her, she would actually get the chance to talk to him - she just wondered how long he was going to call her Beckett for, she much preferred it when he called her Kate, it felt so much more personal..

This was her one chance, her one and only opportunity to put things right - or at least get them on the right track. It would take more than a coffee meeting to get back to how they were but it was a step in the right direction. Beckett could hardly contain her excitement as she waited for him, mentally preparing herself to see him again and plan out what she needed to say. An apology was top of the list, but there was probably an awful lot more he needed to hear too.

"Afternoon, Beckett," Castle announced as he arrived, sitting in the seat opposite her. _Oh hell this had been a bad idea,_ he thought as he sat down, seeing her again..god she was so beautiful and she'd been trying, actually properly trying to get him back and it took every ounce of his self control not to yank her over the table and kiss her senseless.

"Hi, Castle," she murmured shyly. God it was good to see him..so good. Nearly two months had passed since he'd walked away from her outside that bookstore and every day had been hell but here he was, sat right opposite her.

The waitress spotted Castle arrive and came over to get them coffee. They both ordered their usuals and the waitress disappeared to make them, leaving Castle and Beckett with each other to talk to again.

"How's work?" Castle asked politely, choosing safe ground.

"Fine. Quiet. I've got the afternoon off, actually," she replied. "Ryan practically threw me out but he was right, I needed some down time. I um..why did you answer?" The question burst out if her mouth before her brain could filter it but she wanted an answer. He'd ignored around 12 calls from her over the past weeks but now he decided to answer?

"Got bored of ignoring you," he shrugged and Beckett tried not to let him see how much that hurt, that he had actively been not answering every time she called. "So, why did you want to meet?" He asked as their coffees arrived.

Was the man an idiot? What a stupid question! "Oh I don't know, Castle, maybe because you've been ignoring me since I got back and-"

He cut her off. "Yeah, not nice, is it?" He scathed, referring to the three months she spent at her dad's cabin.

Okay, point one to Castle, but still.. "Oh for crying out loud Castle, I apologised for that! And yes, I should have at least text to say I was alive or whatever but Lanie and the boys managed to let me have that time to heal and not get angry with me, why can't you?" She shouldn't have snapped but he was being so..ugh, why did he bother coming if he was just going to pick a fight? Infuriating man.

"Because I thought I was a little different from Lanie and the boys. They're your friends, I know, they're my friends too but you and I..god Kate, however much you want to deny it you know we're more than just friends." He was a little surprised that she'd bitten his head off, he had envisioned she would be all apologetic and hoping he could forgive her. Goodness knows why he'd thought that, Kate Beckett had never been like that in the three and a half years he'd known her. Dammit she was a stubborn woman but he'd be lying if he said he didn't love her for it.

"You are different, Castle," she half whispered, softening immediately at his words. "But I was scared. Oh god I was so scared, getting shot and lying on the ground of that cemetery, fighting to keep my eyes open as you-" oh _shit_.

"You..remember?" He asked, eyes widening in shock. "Beckett, do you remember what happened?" He kept his voice even, the complete opposite to how he felt.

"Yes," she admitted quietly. "Oh god, Castle I'm so sorry!" She cried. "I was scared and it was stupid, I know but I needed time to heal and to..to deal with things and-"

"Josh help you with that, did he?" Castle spat out. God he'd been so stupid, coming here thinking they might actually be able to figure out a way to move on..what an idiot for even thinking that!

"We broke up," Beckett said simply.

"Oh so that's what this is, is it? You broke up with Dr Motorcycle Boy and now you're alone and want some company? God Beckett, you've really changed." He stood up to leave, ignoring her pleads for him to stay and listen. "We're done, for good now," he announced, "don't expect me to answer your calls again." He stormed away from her, leaving her shocked and upset, still at their table outside the restaurant.

Oh god she'd really screwed up now..just when she thought they might actually be able to have a future together, she went and ruined it in the worst way possible! Jesus Christ she was an idiot..he'd never speak to her again now!

Storming away from Beckett and the cafe, Castle struggled to catch his breath. He was angry and upset and seriously pissed off that she had lied to him..and then had the gall to think they could actually make this work! Well they were done now, for good this time, he wasn't going back and he never planned on seeing her again.

Pulling out his cell, he brought up his daughters number and waited for her to answer.

"Dad?" Alexis answered, "is everything okay?"

_Not really._ "You win, Pumpkin - I'm moving to California with you."

* * *

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	5. Chapter 5

"Beckett," she answered wearily, deciding she shouldn't really ignore it just incase it was the boys with news of a body drop. It was early evening and she'd finally got home after wandering aimlessly round Central Park after Castle had stormed off. She knew she should probably eat something but the thought of food made her stomach turn.

"For someone who had the afternoon off work you don't sound very pleased about it." Lanie sounded rather chirpy as she teased Kate. "Anyway, drinks tonight? I've actually cut out on time for once and I was thinking of making the most of it.."

"Uh..no, sorry, Lanie," Beckett refused. "I'm tired and I think I'm just going to have a bath and get an early night." The last thing she wanted was to have to go out and pretend to be happy, after her disastrous meeting with Castle, she was surprised she was still functioning properly.

"Oh, okay," Lanie replied. "You sure you're alright?"

"Fine, Lanie, just tired." Oldest lie in the book. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" She didn't wait for a reply before cutting off the call and tossing her phone somewhere amongst the cushions on the sofa. She doubted very much if Lanie believed her but that wasn't her biggest problem right now, working out how to get Castle to ever speak to her again took precedence.

She was contemplating kidnap when a knock came at her door. Frowning slightly as she dragged herself off the couch, she racked her brain as to who could be at her door. Opening it, she found Lanie.

"Obviously I didn't believe you when you said you were fine so I stopped off at that pizza place a couple blocks away and brought chocolate and wine," Lanie said as she walked in without waiting for a hello. "So you can either tell me what's wrong or just eat the food and not say a word but I'm not leaving this apartment until I've seen you eat a decent amount of pizza and drink a glass of wine."

"I said I was fine, Lanie," Kate sighed, "and I meant it, okay? I don't need a pity party."

"I know you don't," Lanie said simply. "Just thought you might want some company."

That was it, the frustration of the afternoon came to a head and Kate snapped. "What I want is Castle!" She shouted. "What I want is to go back in time and change so much, change the whole summer after I got shot so that I don't have to spend every single day miserable as hell, beating myself up for the way I've acted and the things I've done. I don't deserve him and I know that but that doesn't mean I want him any less!"

"Well, that's a start," Lanie smirked, "that's the most passionate you've ever sounded about it, I'm impressed."

"I'm sorry, Lanie," Kate sighed, "I shouldn't have snapped, none of this is your fault."

"It's fine," Lanie rassured. "You're upset and angry and I get it. And I know you, you keep everything bottled up and never talk about it, if you're getting angry at me then so be it, I can take it, I know you don't really mean it."

"You're the best friend ever, you know that?" Kate asked and Lanie smiled, pouring them both a large glass of wine.

"So, you wanna talk about it?" Lanie asked as they settled on the sofa with pizza and wine.

"Who are you, my therapist?" Kate grumbled. Truth was, she didn't know if she wanted to tell Lanie. Explain how once again she'd managed to screw things up beyond repair, not knowing if she'd ever even see him again except on the back of a book jacket.

"Depends, do you tell your therapist how you're really feeling?"

"Yes. Sometimes." She was seeing him tomorrow and she still hadn't decided if she should tell him about what had happened, he'd only worry it was going to completely undo all the work she'd done into getting herself back on track. Lanie would help though, wouldn't she? "I uh..saw Castle today.." She began.

"Oh sweetie," Lanie whispered. "I'm judging by the mood you're in it didn't go well?"

"No," Kate replied, fighting back the tears. "It was okay at first, we made small talk and for a split second, I actually thought we had a chance, that we would be able to make this work and move on.."

"What happened?"

"I was trying to explain why I hadn't called all summer and it sort of slipped out that I remembered what he said when I was shot.."

"Oh honey," Lanie soothed. "I take it he got angry?"

"Yeah," Kate nodded. "Couldn't believe I'd lied about it and then asked if me I was just calling him because I was single again."

"You told him you and Josh broke up?"

"Yeah. Probably not the right time, I guess I can see why he'd think that..I never got round to telling him we actually broke up months ago." She let the tears fall now, seeing no use in keeping them back - it's not like Lanie would mind the tears anyway.

"He loves you," Lanie told her, "I think that makes it harder for him, you're not just partners anymore, it's so much more than that and I think he just needs to realise how much he needs you."

"He's better off without me," Kate said quietly, tears still streaming down her face. "He deserves so much better than this..someone who can be exactly what he needs instead of a screwed up mess who can't even tell the truth when it counts."

"That's what you see," Lanie said, "but to everyone else you're the most beautiful, kind hearted and incredible person. Yes, you've made mistakes but you can admit that and that's what matters."

"Since when have you been my biggest fan?" Kate grumbled, "just earlier you were telling me I needed to move on."

"Oh sweetie, I never meant it like that! Goodness knows I've been rooting for you and Castle to get together since day one, you know that..I just..I want you to be happy, Kate. And I know you and Castle are perfect for each other but since you've come back..I've never seen you like this and I know it's because of how much you love him. I guess I was just trying to subtly tell you that it might not work out how you want it to.."

"Work I guess you were right," Kaye replied, huffing out a laugh. "But..I can't give up, Lanie. I know it's ridiculous and I doubt he's ever going to talk to me ever again but it's him or no one, and because of that I'm going to keep trying, keep working on making myself the best I can be and try my hardest to be what he deserves."

"Okay honey, I hear ya," Lanie smiled. "And I understand, okay? No matter what, I'll be here for you, whether it's to bring you wine and chocolate when you've had a fight and I'll still be there when the two of you get married, okay?"

"Lanie, he's possibly never going to talk to me again, I don't think marriage is an option!"

"He'll come around," Lanie said, "he can't resist you."

"I guess I just have to hope you're right," Kate replied reaching for the chocolate. There was no other option, it was Castle or spend the rest of her life alone.

* * *

"Are you sure about this?" Alexis asked. The phone call from her dad had surprised her to say the least, she'd never expected him to actually agree to move to LA with her, it was a big decision to make.

"Yes, Alexis, for the hundredth time, I'm sure," Castle said. He was going ahead with it, moving to California with his daughter..it scared the life out of him but what was life without a little risk? He needed a fresh start, somewhere away from his life here, something new. "Wait, are you sure you still want me to?"

"Yes daddy, of course I do!" Alexis laughed, "I just never thought you would and I want to make sure you're doing this for you and not just for me."

"I'd do anything for you, you know that but no, I want to do this. I _need_ to do this, if I want to move on and be happy again."

"You we're happy when you were working with detective Beckett," Alexis whispered, bravely bringing up the one person they'd carefully avoided mentioning for almost two months.

"Yeah well, things change, Alexis, people change. Beckett lied to me and seemed perfectly happy to spend three months acting as if the past three years hadn't happened, I don't need to be around that anymore."

"Okay," his daughter replied, knowing when to stop. "Oh daddy I'm so excited!"

"Me too, Pumpkin, me too." In all honesty, he wasn't that excited but he'd never tell his daughter that, she didn't need to be worrying about him being sure about moving. It wasn't that he didn't want to, it was just that leaving this city behind might not be the best idea..he loved it here and leaving would be hard, but it was the only thing he could think of to get over Beckett, the only way he could properly move on with his life.

* * *

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	6. Chapter 6

"California!" Gina screeched in his ear. "You're moving to _California_?" Castle knew there was a reason he had been dreading this conversation. It had only been three days since he'd actually decided, personally he thought Gina should be grateful that he was letting her know so soon.

"That's the plan," Castle muttered, wondering how much more of this horrendous screeching he was going to have to endure. _He_ had wanted to send an email but Alexis hadn't let him. Damn his responsible daughter, she wasn't one sitting though _this_.

"And in _two_ weeks?! Jesus Christ, Rick, what the hell are you thinking! You can't move to California, especially not on such short notice!"

"Why not?" Castle asked, though he knew Gina was bound to have a million and one reasons as to why he couldn't move.

"Oh well, for one you have commitments, Richard, you are contracted to write me another two Nikki Heat books-"

"Oh silly me, I forgot I can't write in LA!" He said sarcastically, which only angered Gina more.

"Richard Castle I swear to god you better be joking!"

"No, Gina, I'm not joking. I'm moving to LA in two weeks and there's nothing you can do about it. I've thought it through, I can write anywhere and I can email you the chapters when they're done. We have phones and email, you can reach me anytime."

"And what about when something goes wrong? What about when I need you to come in for meetings or to sign things and book launches and book parties and-"

"Gina," Castle interrupted sharply. "For the meetings, we can Skype - I'm moving to California, not Calcutta, it's a three hour time difference," he explained calmly. "Anything that needs signing can be air mailed to me by overnight courier. I can fly back for any pre-arranged book launches and signings, my mother will still be here anyway and I'm sure Alexis will miss her."

"You're not giving in on this are you?" Gina asked, seemingly to finally accept defeat.

"Nope," Castle grinned.

"Look, I know it makes some things a little inconvenient but how much am I even here anyway? Most of my work is done from home and it just so happens that my new home is on the other side of the country." This had actually been a little easier than he had expected.. "And look on the bright side - if I'm in LA, I can make regular visits to the movie sets when they're filming the next Nikki Heat movie!"

"Hmm, well what I'm thinking is that if you're moving to LA, is there going to _be_ any more Nikki Heat?"

Castle couldn't help but think she could be right - what kind of a future did Nikki have if he was essentially cutting off the possibility of a future for him and Beckett?

* * *

"Alexis!" Castle called up the stairs, "where do you want these books?"

"Hang on dad, I'll be down in a sec!" She shouted back.

Castle chuckled, she was definitely his daughter alright - the amount of books she wanted to pack with her for college.

"Oh I forgot about those!" Alexis whined as she came bounding down the stairs and spotted the books her father was on about. "I have no room for them!" They'd sent most of their belongings to California yesterday by overnight plane, each of them just taking the essentials and a suitcase of clothes each.

Most of it they were leaving here - his mother was still going to be here and they'd be back to visit for a weekend every now and then and back for the holidays, so it made sense to start again in a California, with all new furniture and belongings. Castle had found an apartment to rent, right near the beach with a wonderful view of the ocean.

"Do you really need to take them?" Castle asked, looking to the small pile of books Alexis was fretting about. "We're coming back at Christmas - and I bet we'll be back for a weekend at least twice before then, are you going to need them?"

"No, I guess not," Alexis muttered, putting the books to the side. "So..I guess we're almost ready to go then!"

"Yep, looks like it!" Castle grinned. He couldn't believe they were actually going! "I'm pretty excited about being near the ocean..writing with a view like that is going to be amazing!"

"Yeah, I'll be down every weekend just to see that view," Alexis joked. She was heading to Stanford whilst her father was moving to LA. It was only an hour by plane and it meant she could go to the college of her dreams and still be close enough to her father to not worry about him. It wasn't that she _needed_ him to move with her so that she could go there, she probably would have gone anyway, but she had to admit she felt a lot better knowing he was going too, even if it was only at first.

"You'll be welcome anytime, Pumpkin," he promised. "We can go for walks along the beach and go surfing - oh my god I can learn to surf!"

"Mm, and put your back out in the process?" Alexis said.

"I'm not that old, you know!" Castle said indignantly. "I can still surf."

"Mmhmm, if you say so," Alexis winked. "Oh daddy I'm so excited! I can't believe I'm actually off to college!"

"Now that's making me feel old," Castle grumbled. "But I know what you mean..I'm excited too, I love LA!"

"I know you do," his daughter replied. "But uh..you know you can come back go New York anytime you like, right? And you know I'll be okay?"

"I know, Pumpkin, but I won't. I'm making a fresh start, away from here and away from everything - can't do that from New York, can I?"

She appreciated everything she did for her, she really did, but with this, she was standing her ground, needed him to know exactly how she felt before he made that move. "Dad, look," she began. "I absolutely love that you're coming with me and I feel so much happier that you are and that I don't have to leave you here alone but I don't think you're making the right decision." There we go, she'd said it. "I know you want a fresh start and I completely understand why, trust me I do, but is it really what you should be doing?"

"Alexis-"

"No dad, I need you to listen. You have a life here, you have friends here - grams is still here! And you're giving all of that up to drop everything and move to the other side of the country with me?"

Her stubbornness over this was really reminding him of Beckett right now. "Pumpkin, I appreciate your concern but it's okay, really. I _want_ to do this, I want to move with you. And yeah, you're right, I am giving up a lot but I have to do this if I want to move on..New York is filled with far too many memories, not all of them good and if you're not here, why do I need to be?"

"Okay dad, you win, I'll drop it." Personally, she still wasn't convinced it was the right decision for him but she had to let him make that decision on his own. Beckett played a huge part in it, she was sure of that. She wasn't stupid, no matter how much her dad tried to play off that he was fine and didn't want to go back, she knew he did. It was only natural, he'd worked with them for three years and to suddenly give all of that up must be a huge shock to the system.

And dammit she knew he loved Beckett, of course he did, no matter how much he argued it. She was about 98% sure that if they just sat down and talked whatever their problems were through, they could move on and pursue whatever relationship they'd been avoiding for the past three years.

"What, you're just dropping it like that?" Castle asked incredulously.

"Yes dad, I am" Alexis sighed. "Because although I might not agree with your decisions or think you're doing the right thing, you have never once stood in the way of me or what I want to do and so I'm doing that now. You have supported me and stood by me no matter what so what kind of a daughter would I be if I didn't stand by you?"

"Thank you, Pumpkin," Castle smiled. She might be right, he could quite possibly be making the worst decision of his entire life by moving to California, but it was the only option he could see right now. He loved Beckett but they weren't meant to be and it was just too hard sticking around with the memories of her so present, it damn near killed him everyday.

"Come on then, one last New York burger before we head to the airport?" Castle said. "Gotta say goodbye to your grandmother too.." Goodness knows how dramatic she was going to make that.

* * *

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	7. Chapter 7

Just once more, Kate promised herself, just one more phone call and then she'd leave it. She searched through her contacts for his number, pausing and taking a deep breath when it appeared on her screen. Hitting the dial button, she waited with bated breath as it rang, as if she actually expected him to answer. Of course he didn't, it would have been a huge surprise if he had, that was for sure.

There wasn't much else she could do. They'd met a few weeks ago which had ended in disaster, she doubted either of them were keen to retry that experience in a hurry. She'd stopped calling twice a week, just once or twice in the past few weeks, not that he had answered any of her calls. Still, it was actually ringing so at least he hadn't blocked her number. One afternoon on a particularly quiet day at the precinct, she'd sent him an email, outlining how sorry she was for everything and that she knew she didn't deserve him but that she wasn't giving up, she wanted her best friend back. But there had been no reply to the email either, no indication that he'd even read it - he could have deleted it without reading it for all Kate knew.

It wasn't the fact that he was ignoring her and acting like they hadn't been to hell and back together that bothered Beckett as much, it was more the fact that he hadn't tried to stop her from calling, texting or emailing. All he had to do was answer a call or send her a text back saying to leave him alone and she would, she one hundred percent absolutely would. If he said he didn't want her to keep trying to get him back, to keep harassing him with these calls and texts, then she'd give it all up to keep him happy. And that's what she couldn't understand, if he so badly didn't want anything to do with her, then why wasn't he telling her to quit?

But she had promised herself that this was the last call, no more attempting to contact him, it quite clearly wasn't getting through anyway. Giving up wasn't an option, she was simply..taking a break. The focus was on her now, on getting herself completely better, back to how she used to be before some bastard put a bullet in her chest. And then, when she had sorted herself out, figured out what was going on in her head, well then she'd make more of an effort to sort whatever this was out. The calls and the texts might be stopping, but that didn't mean her heart stopped loving him.

Dr Burke had been working with her on expressing her feelings more. It had been hard at first, but she was getting the hang of it now, even just sitting in his office, talking it through helped immensely. A lot of her problems seemed to be centered around anger; anger at Castle for being like this, at the son of a bitch who had tried to kill her, at whatever lowlife was behind her mothers murder.. But most of all she was angry at herself. At not being good enough for Castle. She hated herself for it most days, how she had denied their attraction for so long that she'd almost started to believe she didn't like him herself - which was the biggest lie of the century. If she had just been a little more open to a relationship with him in the first place, they wouldn't be in the mess they were in right now. But Castle had been so amazing, so...Castle about everything so far. It had been a bit hit and miss at first, but he had soon learnt when to stop prying and just leave it and he also knew exactly when to cheer them up with a stupid theory or ridiculous joke. It was all of this that had her thinking back then why she'd want to change a thing, if she had admitted her feelings then, it could have ruined everything, changed the whole dynamic of their group. And now..well now it was looking to be too late.

* * *

"How are things going, Kate?" Dr Burke asked at the beginning of their weekly session. It was a mark of how few she'd come so quickly in the past few weeks that their appointments were now mostly only once a week.

"Not too bad," she answered honestly. That was a major part in recovering properly - being honest, especially with the man sat in front of her who was doing all he could to help her. Beckett had never really put much stock in psychologists before, but she suddenly had a newfound respect for them after noticing herself how far she'd come since seeing Dr Burke. "It's getting easier."

"That's good," Burke smiled. "The first step towards recovery is acceptance and I think you've passed that stage now, we can move on to working out how we get you back to your old self again. How's work going?"

"Fine. I'm..I'm actually enjoying it again now." She let out a small laugh at this, the realisation hitting her only as she said it out loud. It wasn't that she had ever hated her job, it was still what she wanted to do, but since her shooting and going back without Castle, it just hadn't been the same. "It's stupid I know, to say I enjoy people getting murdered but it's going to happen whether I'm there or not, at least when I'm fully focused on my job I can give more to the team and we get a better result."

"I understand," Burke laughed. "Of course you don't enjoy that people are being killed but that doesn't mean you can't have some fun. Obviously there's a time and a place but I get the feeling you and your team are good at differentiating those times." Kate Beckett wasn't the first emotionally scarred person he'd ever seen and he highly doubted she'd be the last, but he felt such a sense of pride with this case. He was so proud of how far she'd come - when he'd first met her it had been like extracting blood from a stone trying to get her to talk, but now she spoke a lot more freely, even initiated the conversation at times. "And have you made any more progress with Castle?" He was slightly hesitant to bring the topic up but they needed to keep discussing it if Kate was ever going to recover properly.

"No," she replied quietly. She had seen Burke the day after her disastrous coffee with Castle and had spilled everything that had happened. Well, it's what he was there for, right? He had been sympathetic and understanding, but she knew he felt she should have expected that sort of a reaction. However he had been pleased when she admitted Castle now knew everything, even if Castle hadn't taken it well. "I've called a couple more times and sent an email but he hasn't answered or replied. Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," Burke said, pleased that she was getting more and more inquisitive as their meetings went on.

"I know he hasn't been answering or anything, but at the same time he hasn't told me to stop. I mean, I get that he doesn't want to talk to me, but would it really hurt to just ask me to stop calling? I just wondered what your opinion was on that.."

It was an interesting one, Burke would admit that. "Well, I don't actually know Mr Castle, apart from the occasional indulgence into one of his books, but in my opinion, it's because he doesn't want to let go. I can't be certain," he added before she got her hopes up. "I'd have to actually meet with him to form a proper reasoning, but from what you've told me, although he's angry and doesn't want to talk to you, there's still something keeping him holding on.." He broke off, unsure of what else to say.

"Thank you for..telling me that. I know it's only based on what I've said and hell, this is Castle - his brain is probably saying something completely different but thank you anyway, I do appreciate it."

"Not a problem," Burke replied, "I'm always here to help. Now, how are things with your friends? You mentioned that they weren't as angry that you didn't contact them while you were away, are they still okay with that?"

"I think so," Kate said. "I've only really spoken to Lanie about it, the boys..well they do feelings about as well as I do so I wasn't expecting a big deal there, but I'm fully aware of how amazing they've been, even if I haven't let them know as much." She made a mental note to thank the boys later, for being so understanding and not pressing her for information - particularly with Castle not being around anymore. "We went out for drinks after work last night, actually."

"Oh Kate, that's brilliant!" Burke praised and Beckett couldn't help but smile. "You're doing so well and you really should be proud of yourself."

"Thank you," she replied. And she was proud of herself. Just a month ago she had been a wreck, not wanting to do anything after work apart from go home and sleep. She'd hardly been eating, surviving on coffee and bananas, but now she had regained some of the weight she'd lost - not all of it but she was getting there. She usually got a good six hours sleep most nights and ate at least two meals a day, her working hours made it hard to eat three. She felt happier than she had since before the shooting, more lively and sociable - drinks with the boys the previous evening proved that. It had been a long six or so months, but she was getting there, almost back to the version of herself she had been before.

"I'm..a different person to who I used to be," she began, suddenly feeling like she wanted to talk about her past. "When my mom was killed, I shut myself off, similar to what I did when I was shot. But the thing is, it took three years of looking into my moms case, desperate to find something that someone had missed before I finally admitted that I needed help. I got the therapy I needed and sorted my life out, and that's who I was - not just before the shooting, but before Castle came along. I wasn't the wreck I used to be, but I wasn't the person I should have been. And then came Castle," she smiled at the the memory of their first meeting..oh how she had hated him. "And over the three years he worked with us, I changed - for the better. And I know what it sounds like, that I changed for Castle but I didn't. I didn't even admit that there was anything there for the first two years. I changed _because_ of Castle, I needed to change, to be the happy, bubbly person I used to be and I was like that six months ago - so although I'd didn't change for Castle, I changed for me - it just so happened that he was the reason behind it."

"He sounds like an amazing man," Burke smiled. Hearing her open up like this..it was all he had ever wanted, for her to _talk_ to him so he could help her.

"He is," Beckett laughed, "oh god, if you ever get the chance you have to meet him, he'll have your wife eating out of the palm of his hand in three seconds flat!"

"Maybe I'll pass on that then," Burke joked. "You're doing so well, Kate. I know the last six months have been difficult for you and I can only imagine what you went through, but it looks to me as if you're on the right track."

"You know what?" She said. "I think I am." And it was true - she was almost there.

* * *

Over the next two weeks, more remnants of her old life bubbled to the surface. Drinks with Esposito and Ryan after work became more and more regular, the two of them looking happy to have their old boss back again. Beckett had thanked them both for being so understand and not pressing her to give more than she wanted and they'd told her it was fine, that they understood her better than she thought and they knew when to leave it.

Dinner with Lanie happened twice in those two weeks - much to Lanie's joy. The ME was so happy to have her friend back she hardly stopped smiling the whole time they were out. Kate had thanked her profusely for not giving up on her, even when Kate hadn't exactly been very sociable and fun to be around. Lanie didn't care, she knew how hard Castle quitting had hit Kate and she'd always stand by her, that's what friends were for. It was brilliant to have her back though, laughing and joking just like the old times. All of them were careful not to bring Castle up and they didn't drink at The Old Haunt anymore but still, Kate had made incredible progress and all of them were so proud of her.

Kate had even caught up with Maddie, the two of them going out for breakfast one Sunday morning. It had been a little awkward at first when Maddie had asked if Kate had given in yet and started making little Castle babies, but they'd got over that quickly, Maddie still remembering how to change the subject around Kate when things got tough to talk about. They'd laughed and joked just like old times and Kate had left feeling happier than she had in ages.

And that's why she found herself in the car on a Saturday morning, not on call or needed at the precinct for any reason, driving over to Castle's loft. She was ready, for all of it, whatever he wanted from her he could have; if he wanted to be friends again then fine. If he wanted more than that then that was fine too, that's what she wanted.

She wasn't completely naïve though, she knew there was some chance that Castle would still want nothing to do with her, that he would push her away again and Beckett had accepted that. It wouldn't be easy if that were to happen, but she knew it was a high possibility, and it was only the months of therapy with Dr Burke that told her she couldn't let it break her if it were to happen. If he pushed her away then she had to deal with it - properly, not shut down and shut everyone out, not again.

But like Castle would say - all good stories had that bit in the middle where the characters encounter major problems, she just had to hope that they were ready to move past that stage now and look towards making a future together.

Beckett felt optimistic about her impending meeting with Castle for some reason. Perhaps it was to do with the fact that she was settled now, she had got back into a routine at work, she'd talked through all her problems so many times with Dr Burke that it had made her a better person. She was much more open now, more willing to express her feelings and talk them through..and those walls she had told Castle about so long ago were well on their way down.

Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door to Castle's loft and waited for him to answer. It wasn't Castle that answered though, it was Martha.

"Oh Katherine dear, how lovely to see you!" Martha pulled her into a tight hug, ushering her into the apartment. It hadn't been the reception Kate and been expecting from Castle's mother, she would have thought Martha would be a lot colder towards her than that after what she had put Castle through, he was still her little boy after all. "Can I get you a drink?" She offered.

"Oh um..water would be great, thanks."

"Not at all dear, you go and make yourself comfy in the living room and I'll bring it over." Martha hurried off to the kitchen and Beckett did as she had been instructed, making her way over to the sofa.

"Now then, Katherine, what brings you over here this morning?"

It was stupid to have assumed Castle would be in, but she couldn't have called to ask - he didn't talk to her anymore. "Oh..I uh, I came over to see Castle. I can wait..or I'll come back another time if he's busy.."

Martha's brow knitted together in confusion before it hit her. Richard had said not many people knew, but she would have thought news would have travelled through the precinct by now, they were detectives after all. "Well, you're welcome to wait, my dear but I'm not sure he and Alexis will be back before thanksgiving - Alexis chose to go to Stanford and Richard moved to California with her."

California? He was in California? Oh god, this was not happening..a state of shock had overtaken her, confusion mixed with hurt and anger. How could she not have heard he was moving to California? It was the other side of the country for crying out loud! She heard Martha mutter something and head into Castle's office but Beckett couldn't focus on what..her brain had gone fuzzy.

Martha reentered the room and passed something to Kate. "He left this for you, said it was his only option." Kate looked down to what Martha and pressed into her hands - it was a letter addressed to her.

* * *

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	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: this was supposed to be posted yesterday, but after the site taking down one of my stories, I wasn't allowed to post for 48 hours, sorry!**

**Huge thank you for all of the reviews so far, it's been amazing to hear your thoughts!**

* * *

Glancing down at the letter Martha had passed to her, Kate opened it up and began to read.

_My dearest Kate,_

_If you're reading this it's because you've found out I have moved to California. Though given that I gave this to my mother for safekeeping, I would assume that if you're reading it then it's because you've come looking for me, which I guess is a good thing._

_I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was moving, but it was easier this way, packing everything up and leaving without telling anyone, less fuss that way - yes, I know what you're thinking, but I can do things without making a fuss, you know!_

_Things between us..well, we both know they haven't been the same since your shooting and one of the biggest regrets of my life is not telling you sooner that I love you. Because I do, Kate, I love you so much but some things just aren't meant to be and I guess this is one of them._

_I'd love to say it was because of the summer you didn't call but I know I can't blame it solely on that, we've both screwed up, it just so happened that this was the final nail in the coffin, for me, anyway._

_There is one thing I need you know though: the past three years have been some of the best of my life. Working with you and the guys over at the 12th is an experience I'll never, ever forget and for that I will be eternally grateful. You're the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating woman I have ever met in my life and our partnership is one of the best things that ever happened to me, so I have to thank you for that._

_One day, you're going to find a man who makes you happy and who you make happy in return and that man is going to be the luckiest man on earth._

_Goodbye, Kate, and never forget that I will always love you._

_Rick._

Finishing the letter, Kate realised there were tears in her eyes, threatening to spill over any second. If she was honest, her anger had dissipated, overtaken by feelings of despair. The man she loved was living on the other side of the country to get over her and it was breaking her heart because all she had to do was be honest with him and she'd left it too late and now he was gone.

"Martha.." She whispered, glancing up at the older woman.

"Oh Katherine, dear," Martha said, sitting beside her to give her a hug. "What's he gone and done this time?"

"I..you don't know?" Beckett asked in confusion. She would have thought Castle would have explained everything to his mother before he left, surely she would have asked for some sort of an explanation.

"Well, he told me the basics, that you were back after your shooting but he was angry that you hadn't called. But apart from that, he didn't really tell me much, just that he needed to move on and going with Alexis to California was the easiest way to do that," Martha explained.

"That's Castle, always trying to spare my feelings when everything is my fault," Kate replied with a shaky laugh. Martha needed to hear the truth, she wouldn't be so warm then. "What Castle hasn't told you is that I lied after my shooting, I remember everything - including Castle telling me he loved me." If Martha was shocked, she didn't show it. "I was scared..I loved him, still do, but I wasn't ready, not for what he deserved and that's something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. The one time he needed me to be honest and tell him how I felt, I didn't and it's ruined everything. I didn't call all summer and turned up expecting to pick up where we'd left off, which now that I come to think about was ridiculous and Castle was right to call me out on it but it still hurts."

"Sounds to me like the two of you need to talk more often," Martha said wisely. "The last three years you've worked together, getting by the best you could, avoiding any conversations that might change anything you had..but maybe this time it was one missed conversation too far?"

"I know," Kate whispered, "you're right, I know that but we can't change what we did. I've been trying and trying to get him to listen to me, to apologise for everything I've done but it's no use, he'd made his mind up and I wasn't a part of his future."

"If it's any consolation, dear, I think he made the wrong decision by moving away. What the two of you need is to sit down and talk things through, no matter how long it takes and just fight it out. Yes, there'll be screaming and shouting but that's what you both need, to get it all out and move on. One thing I'm sure of Katherine, is that my Richard loves you like he's never loved anyone and running away from it isn't going to stop those feelings he has for you."

"You really think he still loves me?"

"Of course I do!" Martha exclaimed. "And if I'm not mistaken, you love him, too."

"I do," Kate nodded, "so much."

"Then it seems to me that you need to find a way to get him to listen to what you have to say."

* * *

After her talk with Martha, Kate left and headed over to see Lanie, knowing her friend would be the best person to talk to right now. She wasn't angry anymore, just upset that things had come to this. She knew he wasn't happy with the way she had acted, he'd made that perfectly clear but she had never expected this to happen, him moving to California was the last thing she would have guessed he'd do.

One thing she did hope though was that he hadn't made his decision based in the fact that she had stopped calling so much the last couple of weeks. She had been tying to give him some space, let him come to terms with things and calm down a little, but it seemed he had taken it the complete opposite way and run away from her.

Slightly hypocritical when you thought about it, he was doing exactly what she had done to him and what he'd called her out on. She had to admit though, she was beginning to understand fully why he'd stopped talking to her, this hurt like hell.

"Kate!" Lanie said. "What are you doing here?"

"Needed to see you," Beckett mumbled. She had the weekend off and Lanie hadn't expected to see her, especially not in the morgue.

"What's up?" Lanie asked, cottoning on to Kate's obvious upset.

"It's Castle," she whispered in reply before handing the letter over to Lanie. Standing and watching Lanie as she read the letter was almost as painful as when she had first read it for herself, seeing Lanie's eyes widen at certain points made her heart ache.

"Oh honey," Lanie said quietly, handing the letter back to Kate. "Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry!"

"Nothing less than I deserved," Kate shrugged. "Guess I should have seen it coming, he hasn't spoken to me properly in months."

"Perhaps he thought you'd moved on?"

Lanie had a point but Beckett refused to acknowledge that as an option. "If that's what he thinks then he really doesn't know me at all."

"No, I don't believe that, either," Lanie laughed, "it's been quite clear since day one that the two of you have something, Castle could see it, you were the only one denying it."

"And now look where it's got me. The man I love is in a different freaking state, not talking to me and moving on as if I'm nothing, just another one of his blonde bimbos that he forgot about after he got what he wanted." That was unfair and she knew it. He might have a history if sleeping with bimbos but he was still a gentleman, she was pretty certain those women knew exactly what they were getting into.

"Mm, and when exactly was the last time you saw him with one of those bimbos?" Lanie asked pointedly, taking Kate's silence for the answer she expected. "Exactly. So, what are you going to do now?"

That was a good question, what was she going to do now? She could forget about him and move on, that was always an option - though a hell of a lot easier said than done. She could try calling and emailing again, but that hadn't worked when he was in New York, she highly doubted he would reply now that he was living in California. No, there was only one thing she could do.

"I'm going to California," she announced and Lanie stared at her. "If he thinks he can get away from me that easily then he's wrong. I'm going to California and I'm not coming back until he's heard me out and we've talked it all through."

Lanie would argue with her but if she knew anything about Kate Beckett, it was that once she had her mind set on something there was no changing it. Especially where Richard Castle was concerned.

Kate only just rushed out a quick goodbye to Lanie before heading back out to her car and pulling her cell phone out, searching for flights even as she buckled herself in. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was now 11.30 - and there was a flight from JFK to San Francisco at 4 that afternoon. She had changed her mind at the last second, thinking that if Alexis was at Stanford, that's where Castle would be so she'd need to fly to either San Francisco or San Jose, not LAX. If the flight left at 4, she land around 7pm pacific time and could book a hotel for the night, beginning her search in the morning.

Booking the flight, she made her decision final and started the car, heading back to her apartment to pack some clothes. Switching her cell to speakerphone as she drove, she called Captain Gates.

"Morning, Sir, I'm, just calling to let you know that I plan on taking my vacation says from Monday."

"Your..all of them?" Gates asked in shock.

"Yes sir, if that's what it takes."

"If that's what it- detective Beckett, may I ask _why_ you're suddenly taking your vacation days?"

"I'm going to California, sir."

"And why is that?"

"Because that's where Castle is," Beckett replied.

"Very well, detective, give him our best."

"I will..thank you, sir." She had expected a fight, not a message for Castle. Gates had made it perfectly clear that she wasn't a fan and allowing one of her best detectives to run off and chase him when she was supposed to be working was a turn up for the books.

Shaking her head at the bizarre conversation she'd just had Gates couldn't suppress a smile. She might not be a fan of Mr Castle at the best of times, but she knew how much he meant to her team - detective Beckett in particular. Esposito and Ryan could cope for a while, she knew they'd be just as happy to have Mr Castle back, should Beckett be successful.

* * *

Throwing clothes and toiletries into a bag, Beckett zipped it shut, hoping she had everything she'd need. She'd packed enough for a week or two, and she could wash the clothes she had and buy more if she needed to.

Checking the time, she saw it was 1pm - she'd leave in half an hour, leaving herself plenty of time to get to the airport and check in, but first she'd book a hotel so she had a destination when she arrived.

This was so crazy and unlike her..dropping everything to go and chase a guy to the other side of the country, but it felt right. She could hardly do her job properly knowing Castle wasn't even in the state anymore, she needed to speak to him face to face and figure out what happened next. He might be trying to move on but she wasn't giving up yet.

* * *

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	9. Chapter 9

"I know it's been a while..but um could you do it..one last time?"

Walking over to the bed, Castle dropped to his hands and knees to look underneath. "No monsters," he announced to his daughter. His little girl who he was dropping off at _college_ for crying out loud.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, and if there are, I'll come running." Dropping one last kiss, he left the room and his daughter, letting her get settled, trying to stop the tears from flowing. She was all grown up now, his little bundle of red hair and blue eyes was becoming a woman, one who moved away from home and didn't need her dad so much anymore.

It had been nearly two weeks since they'd left New York for California, and they'd flown up from LA to Stanford this morning to drop Alexis off, with Castle having a couple of hours to kill before his flight back home.

Home. It felt weird calling his new apartment overlooking the beach 'home', in reality, he still thought of his loft as home but just as Alexis was going to college, things were changing for him too. His new place was nice enough, spacious and inviting, especially with all the lovely new furniture he'd ordered. Alexis had put some of her stuff in another bedroom for when she came back on an occasion they weren't going back to New York, leaving Castle with the master bedroom and another as a guest room.

It had taken some getting used to having all new things in somewhere completely different but they were getting there, of course, the view of the pacific from the balcony helped immensely, as well as the warm weather. They'd managed to get down to the beach a few times, paddling out to sea like they did at the Hamptons in the summer and cooling down with ice creams, sometimes just taking an early evening stroll along the promenade, it really was a lovely city.

But now he was alone, his little girl had left and gone to college and when he got back to the apartment, it would be quiet and empty with only his thoughts to fill the void. And his thoughts were not somewhere he wanted to be right now..

He thought that with all the commotion of moving to another state, unpacking his things only to have to help Alexis repack for college, flying up there with her and dropping her off, he wouldn't have much time to think about Beckett, but he was wrong, he just couldn't forget about her. Every police officer he saw reminded him, every coffee shop and shoe store, even the cherries he'd seen in the supermarket the other day had flooded him with memories of how sweet her hair smelt, it was ridiculous.

He tried to not think about her when he could help it, diverting his thoughts to his writing (ha, what writing?), or to calling his mother to check she was okay, he'd even called Gina to make some mindless conversation about book sales simply to get his mind off of Beckett for a whole five minutes. But that's all it was, a quick five minute break and then back to thinking about her.

Moving to California had been a last ditch attempt to move on and so far it was failing miserably. Being on the other side of the country was supposed to help, give him new things to focus on and start afresh but that wasn't happening so far.

His writing had taken a huge hit, it had been three months since the last book was released and Gina was threatening to fly over here herself if she didn't have the first three chapters of the next novel in two weeks time. But how could he continue with Nikki and Rook when he'd moved in order to get over his muse? Lying awake one night, he'd even contemplated heading over to the LAPD to see if they could help, let him observe one of their detectives, but he wasn't friends with the mayor of this city and he doubted they'd let him in otherwise.

Not to mention the fact that no other detective, hell, no other _woman_ on this planet could match up to Kate Beckett, not ever.

One of the worst things was that he had spent the past two weeks turning his life upside down in order to forget her and she probably hadn't spared him a second thought, heading back to Josh when Castle wouldn't give her the time of day and moving on a hell of a lot better than he had so far. The phone calls and texts had soon dried up, she'd obviously given up and moved on.

He'd been wandering around aimlessly since leaving Alexis to settle in, but he couldn't put off going back to his empty home now, he'd miss his flight if he wasted anymore time. Hailing a cab, he asked the driver to take him to the airport and settled back, watching the city blur by outside his window.

Alexis was lucky, she had her whole life ahead of her and it was only just starting. She still had plenty of time to learn new things and fall in love, get her heart broken and break some hearts of her own, but Castle had just about had enough. Two failed marriages didn't help, coupled with the failed almost-relationship he'd had with Beckett and let's be fair, that had been like a marriage from day one with all her whinging and nagging, not even Meredith had shown that much interest in him.

But when he thought about it, his relationship with Beckett had pretty much been a marriage without sex. They fought and argued, they got over it and moved on..she'd hated him at first, or so she told herself - he still wasn't convinced but she'd let him in piece by piece until he went and ruined everything by telling her he loved her.

As much as he didn't regret telling her, he hated what it had done to them. If he'd just kept his mouth shut and not said anything, she might not have shut him out for three months and he could have helped her through her recovery after her shooting and they'd still be close. Dr Motorcycle Boy would still have been a problem but he thought he was finally getting through to her, his comment about her hiding in relationships with men she didn't love had seemed to hit home and he couldn't help but think that if he had kept quiet when she was shot, they might be giving it a go now, falling into it together.

Arriving at the airport he checked in and passed through security with no problems, the guard only flicking his eyes three or four times from Castle's passport to the man himself, obviously recognising the name. Settling back in his seat on the plane, he ordered a whisky, needing something to shake him up a bit, get him out of this funk he was in.

Little did he know that just five minutes after his plane departed San Jose, flight EY8321 from JFK international was due to land there.

* * *

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	10. Chapter 10

She was crazy. Absolutely and definitely mad. What was she doing on a plane to California?! Dropping everything and flying to the other side of the country was not something she did often – only once, actually, and that had been in the name of justice. But this..this wasn't work related, not at all. No, this trip to California was about as personal as it got..

But what else could she do? She knew there was no way in hell that she could move on and live her life without at least getting Castle to hear her out, even if that did mean arguments and fights and shouting. If that's what it took then so be it, as long as she had the chance to explain her actions, that's all she asked. Of course, what she really hoped for was for them to find a way past this and move on, jumping into a relationship together, but she couldn't get her hopes up.

She had to be prepared for him to reject her, just as she had told herself when she had gone to see him this morning. Well, thought she was going to see him, same thing. She had given herself a little pep talk, bracing herself for him to slam the door in her face and tell her he never wanted to see her again but that letter…well that letter didn't sound like the words of a man who never wanted to see her again. She had it with her, tucked safely inside her bag along with the letter Royce had written her before he died. She didn't know why she had that one too but she felt as thought this was all somehow connected, that Rick moving to California was a sign that she should start listening to Royce's advice like she had as a rookie and tell Castle how she felt. That was the plan, anyway.

The plane journey wasn't too bad, despite booking last minute, she had a good seat in the middle of the plane and the whole row to choose from, it wasn't very busy. She had settled next to the window for take off, watching the New York City skyline disappear as they ascended into the clouds above. She loved flying, always had done, just something about the way she could relax for a few hours, no cell phone ringing or murder cases to solve.

Obviously on this particular flight, it meant she was left with nothing but her thoughts to distract her. Nerves were fluttering low in her stomach, anticipation for what was to come, how Castle was going to react when she showed up on his doorstep. After she found out where he actually lived, of course. Her plan was to head over to the university campus tomorrow morning and try and find Alexis, preferably without getting arrested for harassing students or something, unfortunately her shiny badge was of no use in this part of the country. So after locating Alexis, she was hoping to get an address for Castle, but she wasn't counting on it, Alexis was probably more angry than Castle at what she had put him through. But once she had found Castle, she had no plan, it was full steam ahead on the apologies and explanations and pleads for him to just hear her out.

But all of that was tomorrow; right now she had to focus on getting to California and hiring a car to take her to her hotel. She shook her head and grinned at the ridiculous car Castle had hired when they'd last come to California together, she definitely wasn't hiring one of those.

The flight passed surprisingly quickly and before she knew it, the pilot had lit up the seatbelt sign and asked everybody to return to their seats in preparation for landing. This was her favourite part, watching the earth come closer as the plane descended, seeing the other planes nearby come in to land and take off too.

It was a smooth landing, they could hardly feel it, but that's when things got serious for Kate, no more half-hearted attempts at apologising, this was a huge deal now. He'd moved the best part of two and a half thousand miles away and she'd dropped her whole life to chase after him, it was time to work for what she wanted.

* * *

Beckett couldn't sleep. It was 10pm – 1am New York time, she should be able to sleep by now but here she was, led wide awake in her comfortable hotel bed as thoughts of how Castle would react when he saw her flashed through her mind. Best case scenario – he let her in and they talked it through, just like his mother had suggested. Worst case scenario – he shut the door in her face. One thing was for sure though, whatever the outcome she wasn't giving up, she didn't have a flight back and had enough vacation days for however long this took, and Beckett wasn't leaving California until Castle listened to her.

* * *

After a fitful nights sleep, managing an hour here and there, Beckett was up and showered by 7.30, skipping breakfast and stopping at a coffee shop instead. It was crazy how familiar the city looked, it had been nearly fifteen years since she had left New York to head to Stanford but she still remembered everything, where her favourite coffee places were and that shoes store she had loved.

Hopping back into the car with her coffee, she began the short journey over to the Stanford university campus – and just hoped she could find Alexis easily enough.

_But if I told you I loved you, would it make you want to stay?_

_I'm sorry for the way I hurt you and making you walk away._

_And if I wrote you a love song and sang it you everyday, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?_

_I can't go another day without you.._

It wasn't a song Beckett had heard before but listening to the lyrics as she drove through the city, she couldn't help but think they related to her situation perfectly. She hated how things had turned out but she couldn't change the past, she just had to try and sort out her future. _Their_ future.

_Please know this is not your fault, and all I want.._

_Is to tell you I love you and make you wanna stay._

_There's gotta be a way, 'cause going on without you is killing me everyday.._

She pulled into the car park of the main campus and turned the engine off. Well, here went nothing..

There were a handful of students stood outside the main entrance, but none of them stood out with their bright red hair. Moving around further, Beckett kept her eyes open for any sign of Alexis, scanning every crowd she walked past. From the looks of things, it was registration day so finding her could prove difficult, with near enough every student on campus this morning to sort out administrative obligations before classes started.

Luckily, no one paid her much attention as she walked around; probably assuming she was a worried parent or an advisor or something. She thought she'd found her sitting with some other students on a nearby bench but that turned out to be wrong and Beckett was seriously starting to re-think her plan, there were just so many people..

Until finally, a voice called out to her. "Detective Beckett?" Beckett swirled around and came face to face with Alexis. "What are you doing here?"

"I um..looking for you, actually," Kate said.

"Why, what's wrong? Oh my god, is my dad okay?"

"Uh yeah..I guess so.." Beckett replied. Okay, flaw one of her plan – of course Alexis would assume something had happened to Castle.

"Wait, you haven't seen him?" Alexis asked, confusion evident on her face.

Dammit, had Castle told no one what she had done? "No, Alexis, I haven't seen him," she sighed. "Look, do you have anything to do right now or can we find somewhere to talk?"

"Uh no..we can talk," Alexis answered. "I think there's a café just-"

"There is," Kate interrupted, beginning to walk in the right direction.

Alexis smiled. "I forgot you came here. What's it like being back?" In all honesty she didn't really care how Detective Beckett was feeling at being back, what she really wanted to know was why on earth she was even here, shouldn't she be in New York? Her dad hadn't told her all the details but she knew he wanted to move to get over her – which personally she thought was a ridiculous decision but it wasn't hers to make. She also knew her father hadn't told Beckett he was moving to California, so that must mean Beckett had been to the loft. A good sign, really, at least she still cared. Well, she cared more than her dad must think if she'd flown to California at a moments notice.

"Odd," Beckett replied. "But I wasn't really here for long. Coffee?" she asked as the waitress came to their table to take their order.

"Sure," Alexis nodded. "So um..why are you here?"

"For your dad," Beckett replied simply. "And I know he probably doesn't want to see me and frankly I'm surprised you didn't throw a hissy fit when you saw me here after everything I've done.."

"Oh I'm a little angry," Alexis reassured. "It's just..you're here. In California. No matter what's gone on between you and my dad, surely that counts for something?"

"Let's just hope your dad sees it like that," Beckett muttered. "I suppose I owe you an explanation, really."

"Not really," Alexis shrugged. "At the end of the day it's none of my business but I love my dad and seeing him hurt upsets me. I've never seen him like this, not even when he split up with Gina and I highly doubt when he split up with my mom.."

"I know and I'm sorry, okay? Not just to your dad, but to you and your grandmother too. I hurt your dad badly and I tried to put it right but it was too late and he left. So here I am, hoping against all odds that he doesn't slam the door in my face and gives me the chance to explain myself..even if I don't deserve it. So uh, would you be able to give me the address of his new place?"

"I.." Alexis didn't know what to do. She wanted to believe Beckett, she really did, but her dad had been a mess since Beckett's shooting and he seemed to be under the impression that getting a fresh start away from her was the only way forward, did Alexis really want to be the reason he stopped trying to live his life again?

* * *

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	11. Chapter 11

"Look, you don't have to," Beckett added quickly, noticing the girls' obvious hesitation. "I understand completely that you might not want me to know where he is but I guess you should know that even if you don't give it to me, I'm not giving up." She didn't mean it to sound so much like a threat but this wasn't a game; this was the rest of her life they were talking about. And if Alexis didn't give it to her..well she could have Espo and Ryan track him down and let her know in ten minutes flat.

Alexis studied the Detective for a minute. It was a tricky situation for her because on one hand she could give the address over and have her dad get angry when it all went wrong again and alternatively, she could withhold the address and have Beckett find her dad anyway – and she was pretty sure her dad had once told her how Beckett had said to him that he didn't want to be the person who made her life harder. Alexis knew how Beckett got when she really waned something but this time it was her dad the detective wanted, not their latest murderer on a tough case.

"I'll..I'll give it to you," Alexis said and even she noticed the obvious relief on Beckett's face. "But on one condition."

"Anything," Kate replied hastily. Perhaps a little _too_ hastily, she didn't know what Alexis was going to ask yet.

"Before I give you the address, I want to know exactly why you're here. My dad made a huge decision leaving New York behind, leaving _you _behind." Beckett flinched at the harshness of the words but it was true, he'd left to get away from her and here she was, trying to find him again. "And I also want your word that if he tells you to leave, tells you he doesn't want anything from you, that you should go back to New York and forget about him that you will. I'm about to start a whole new chapter in my life and I need to know that my dad is okay, whether that's with you or not."

"Wow, Alexis," Beckett said with a nervous laugh. "Have you ever thought about becoming a lawyer? You'd be very convincing!" She had a point though, Beckett couldn't expect her to just hand over the address without hesitation, Alexis knew better than anyone how hurt Castle had been, she was right to be wary of Beckett's actions. "But I'll tell you anything you want to know, I promise. But uh..can I just ask why you're being so _nice _to me, we both know I don't deserve it."

"Like I said, you're here," Alexis replied simply. "You could have just moved on and got over it but you didn't, you left everything to come and chase after my dad and that's the reason I haven't walked away and told you to drop it. Simply being here in California says an awful lot."

Beckett smiled. Castle had an incredible kid, he really did. "Thank you, Alexis, you have no idea how much I want to put things right with you as well as your dad."

"And that's another reason I know you're good for my dad," she laughed. "Do you have any idea how many women have pretended to like me just to get to my dad? But you're not like that, you accept that my dad already as a kid and you're here apologising to me first."

To Kate, it just seemed like common sense. Of course she loved Alexis too, they were a package, sensible daughter and crazy mother too, Beckett had known that from day one. "You and your grandmother are important to me too, you know. I couldn't sort things out with your father without talking to you, I know how much you mean to him and how much he loves you, it just wouldn't be right if you weren't on board with this."

"You know, I think I'm starting to get why my dad has been in love with you for four years," Alexis mused. "I never really understood it when you made it perfectly clear it wasn't happening and he stuck around anyway, but it's becoming clearer."

Beckett ducked her head, heat flooding her cheeks. It wasn't like Castle being in love with her was news, it was just..hearing his daughter say it made it a little more real.

"So I guess I should ask," Alexis began, "are you in love with my dad too?"

It was a stupid question really; would she actually be here if she wasn't in love with him? But Beckett knew how much she'd hurt Castle in the past and it was only to be expected that Alexis would need to hear it for herself. "I am," she replied fiercely. "I love your dad so much and I know I've hurt him and let him down in the past but I'm here to try and change that, if he'll let me." Things were going far too easily so far, there had to be a hitch in the plan at some point soon.

"I haven't seen my dad as happy as he was working with you in..well, ever. He loves writing but the day he met you..oh god he wouldn't stop talking about you! And from that day, I knew you'd become important to him, more than my mom and more than Gina, and I was right. So seeing him hurt..god it was awful, he was a mess after your shooting and I don't think I've ever seen him like that. I guess I just needed to know that you were here because you want to be and not because you felt bad about what had happened.."

"I do feel bad, you have no idea how much I hate myself for what I've put you all through but that's not why I'm here. If I thought it was better if I moved on then I'd try, I'm not sure how much use it would be but I'd try my hardest. But I couldn't do that, not without seeing your dad one last time and telling him exactly how I feel. The past few months..god they've been excruciating but it's all made me a stronger person. After I was shot, I wasn't ready for a relationship, it was hard enough heading back into that precinct and seeing the looks of pity of everyone's faces. But I just kept telling myself that none of it would matter the second Castle walked in, but he never showed. The boys told me Gates had thrown him out so I went to see him at the book signing but he didn't want to know and ever since that day I have tried my absolute hardest to make myself a better person, the kind of person your dad deserves because he is an incredible man and I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't the best I could possibly be for him."

"Here," Alexis said when Beckett had finished her speech. "This is my dads address. It's down in LA so you'll need to either drive or catch another flight. He flew back last night after dropping me off but he should be home now."

Beckett looked down at the piece of paper Alexis had given her, neat handwriting spelling out where she needed to be. "Thank you, Alexis," she whispered. "You have no idea how much it means to me that you're giving me this."

"You're welcome. And uh..I know what I said about leaving if he asks but I think anyone can tell how in love with him you are, please don't give up on him."

"I'm not going to," Beckett promised. "He's it for me; I have no intention of screwing this up ever again."

Alexis smiled as Kate walked away. Her father might be a little angry when he found out how Kate had got his address but she was a detective for crying out loud, even if she hadn't got it from Alexis she could have got it from the precinct, she was just speeding things up a little.

Kate Beckett had been the only one to make her dad the happiest he'd ever been, she might have screwed up but Alexis knew her father wasn't a saint; they just needed the chance to talk things through and work it out together.

* * *

The second Beckett got back to her hotel, she booked a flight down to LA for that afternoon, landing at 3pm. She'd pick up another hire car and drive over to Castle's place, hoping that he was in - and that he'd want to see her.

She hadn't really thought about what she'd do if he turned her away; all she had planned for was talking to him and apologising but what if she didn't get that? She wasn't giving up, no matter what he told her, he still loved her enough to write her a letter and that was good enough for her, she'd just have to find a way to worm her way in and stick around. After all, that's what he'd done to her at the precinct all those years ago; it was about time she got a little payback.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. "Beckett," she answered.

"Yo, Beckett, Captain says you're in California, what's going on?" It was Espo.

"Yeah, Beckett, how come you get to sun yourself in California and we're stuck here with your paperwork?" Oh, and Ryan, apparently.

"Hey guys," she laughed. "Sorry I didn't call, it was all super last minute, but I'm in California to find Castle."

"Why is Castle in California?!" Esposito asked.

_To get over me,_ she said silently. "Fresh start, or something," she replied vaguely, she didn't fancy giving them all the details. "Alexis came to college here and he moved with her."

"But..why didn't he tell us?" Ryan asked, sounding hurt.

"I don't know," Beckett asked wearily. "I went to see him at his loft yesterday-" god, was it only yesterday? "-and his mother told me he'd moved." She didn't tell them about the letter, some things were meant to stay private.

"But..he's coming back, right?" Esposito asked.

"I hope so," Kate answered quietly. "I'm going to see him this afternoon so I'll ring you guys later with an update. Oh and boys? You can leave my paperwork, I'll do it when I get back." It was the least they deserved for being so amazing and supportive of her over the past few months.

"No worries, Beckett," Ryan replied. "You get Castle back and we'll do the paperwork."

She cut the call off with a grin, knowing how lucky she was to have such a great team. But their team wasn't the same without Castle and she needed to convince him he belonged in New York.

* * *

The flight down to LA was cramped and packed, Beckett squidged in between a woman muttering to herself about the likelihood of the plane crashing and a man who kept shooting her hopeful glances and smiling at her. All in all it wasn't very pleasant and she was grateful for some space when they touched down at LAX.

Her new hire car came equipped with a built in sat nav, so she typed in the address Alexis had given her and followed the directions spoken to her. Her nerves were shot to pieces right now, in matter of minutes she was going to come face to face with Castle and he had no idea.

Not knowing what was going to happen was killing her, Beckett liked to be in control but in this instance, she had no power over what happened, she just had to hope for the best. She couldn't figure out if Alexis' reaction was a good marker to go by or not. Honestly, she had expected the girl to refuse to talk to her, telling her she'd caused enough damage and upset already but Alexis had seemed almost happy to see Beckett, knowing how happy her dad had been before. Beckett wasn't naïve enough to think Castle would be so accommodating though.

The sat nav announced that they had arrived at the destination so Beckett parked the car in a spot on the side of the road. Glancing up at the building as she walked towards it, Beckett noted how typically _Castle _it was, ocean view from the balcony, overlooking the beach.. The doorman let her in with no trouble as she told him who she was here to see, heading towards the elevator of the posh marble interior of the building.

The elevator stopped on the fourth floor – as Alexis had written down, and Beckett exited into the hallway, spotting the right apartment at the end. She had to remind herself to breathe a few times as she walked towards the door and she thought she might throw up any second.

Raising her hand into a fist, she knocked against the door three times and waited for him to answer. No backing out now.

* * *

**A/N: I'm sure you all hate me for leaving it there but with what I have planned for the next chapter, it just makes more sense to split it like this. Also, I feel like I should warn you that it's going to get more angsty, this is based on a tumblr prompt (I'll give it to you if you want it) and I'm sticking to it, just a little heads up!**

**Thank you SO much for all of the reviews so far, the response to this has literally blown me away!**

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	12. Chapter 12

The waiting for Castle to open the door was torture. Each second felt like an hour and it took all of her self control not to bolt back towards the elevator and catch the next flight back to JFK. He probably wouldn't even want to see her, what was the point in her even being here? _To prove him wrong_, the voice in her head said and she knew it was right, even if he threw a tantrum, said he didn't want to see her she wasn't giving up, he hadn't for over three years and she wasn't about to run when the going got tough.

"Beckett!" Castle exclaimed as he answered the door, the sound of surprise evident in his voice.

"Hey, Castle," Beckett smiled in reply. God it was good to see him. California had been good to him, his skin tanned and sun kissed beneath his well fitting shirt.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, his surprise turning to curiosity and oh god, that sounded a bit like anger.

"To see you," Beckett replied calmly, in order for this to work, she couldn't get angry at him, this wasn't his fault. "Are you gonna let me in or.." She was reminded of one of the first times she'd gine to see him at his loft and found him and Alexis clad in laser tag gear and Martha with a face mask on, Alexis having to remind her dad about manners in order for her to be invited in.

"I uh..yeah," he said, opening the door wider to let her in. What the hell was she doing here? It wasn't as if he'd just moved 20 miles down the road, he lived on the other side of the country now! "How did you know where I was?" He blurted out. He'd spoken to his mother just yesterday and she'd given no indication that Beckett was on her way, where else would she have got his address?

"You left me a letter, remember?" She asked coldly.

Ah, the letter maybe not the best idea then. "It was a goodbye letter, Beckett, not a sign to abuse police resources and track down my address."

"Alexis gave me your address, okay?" She told him, trying - and failing - to keep her voice to a normal volume. This could be going better but then, what had she expected? That Castle would look at things the same way Alexis had done and take the fact that she was here as all he needed to know and pretend nothing had gone wrong? No, not likely, he could be just as stubborn as her when he wanted to be.

"You really are New York's finest, aren't you," he muttered, dropping to the couch. He should have known simply moving to another state wouldn't make him hard to find, not with the best detective in New York City looking for him. "Well I'm sorry, but you've had a wasted journey, I don't have anything to say to you."

He..what? "Are you being serious?" She asked. "If you think I'm walking out of this door without talking things through with you then you have another think coming. I didn't come here for a vacation, you know, I came to talk to you."

"And what is it you want to say?" He asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "That you're sorry? That you didn't mean to lie to me about what you heard? That you didn't mean to not call me for three months?" He was getting angry now, moving to California had been his attempt at getting over her and although it had soon become apparent it would be impossible to forget her completely, he thought he was doing okay. Not quite up to dating anyone else yet, but beginning to think he might be able to move on one day.

Beckett winced at the harshness of his words. "Castle," she whispered, pleading. "Please, just let me talk."

"And then you'll go?" He prompted.

"Yes," she nodded, "then I'll go." To her hotel, not back to New York, at least he hadn't stipulated _where_ he wanted her to go.

"Okay fine, talk."

"Can I sit?" She asked, gesturing to the seat opposite him. He studied her for minute but apparently decided it wouldn't cause too much trouble if he allowed her to take a seat. God, where did she begin? She could apologise, or begin to explain her actions.. "When I was shot and you told me you loved me, I was shocked. I don't think I could quite comprehend what had happened, lying there on that cemetery ground with a bullet lodged in my chest..I was burying my captain, for crying out loud, the man who had been a hero to me for so long. And then there you were, all puppy dog eyes and serious face, telling me you loved me right before I blacked out. When I first woke up, I thought I'd dreamt it. I thought I had imagined you telling me you loved me and that it was all a fantasy..but then you showed up at the hospital looking all hopeful and I knew then that I hadn't imagined it, that it was real. And if I needed anymore confirmation, it was the look on your face when I said I didn't remember."

"You're not helping youself, you know," he bit out scathingly. "If you wanted me to forgive you then you're going the wrong way about it, making it more obvious that you knew all along." It took everything he had not to just tell her to drop it and kiss her senseless. She'd followed him to the other side of the country, for crying out loud, despite her mistakes surely that had to count for something? But he couldn't take that risk. She'd broken his heart once already, he'd be stupid to trust her with it again.

"I'm going for honesty, Castle," she replied, a sad smile on her face. "Goodness knows it's about time we actually said how we felt."

"I did," he said bluntly. "You just chose to ignore me."

He had a point, but she was doing well here, she needed to carry on. "And lying about it just seemed easier, I mean I was still with Josh and-"

"You aren't still with him, then?" Castle asked without really meaning too, he didn't really want her to think he was interested.

"I told you we broke up when I last saw you?" She replied, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"I figured you would have gone back to him after I left," he admitted, "told him it was a mistake or something.."

"After five months?" She laughed. "I broke up with Josh the day I left the hospital," she clarified.

Well that was certainly news to him, when she'd said they'd split up, he assumed it was just a little misunderstanding and they'd be back together within the week. He couldn't help the little surge of happiness at this newfound information.

"Anyway," she continued. "After I broke up with Josh, I needed to focus on myself for bit." _For you_, she added silently. "I went to my dad's cabin and recovered, I honestly didn't realise so much time had passed and I know that doesn't matter, that I should have picked up the phone and called you the second I got out of the hospital but I was a mess. Someone tried to kill me, my best friend admitted he was in love with me and I broke up with my boyfriend. It was all too much, I didn't know how to cope..I mean, you know me, when have I ever been good at talking about feelings?"

It was true, he knew that she wasn't an easy person to talk to when you didn't know her, came across as closed off most of the time. And his heart surged at her 'best friends' comment, damn stupid heart, hadn't it been through enough?

"And so I did what I do best," she said, "I cut everyone off and closed myself away, didn't talk to anyone but my dad and my therapist for almost three months." Beckett was incredibly surprised that Castle hadn't interrupted her more than he had, he usually couldn't keep his mouth shut..it was a bad sign, she felt, if there was a chance in hell of him even beginning to forgive her, he'd be talking more, asking her questions instead of acting like he didn't even care that she was here. Despite knowing the whole time that it was a high possibility, she wouldn't deny it hurt. A lot.

"I couldn't believe it when the boys said you hadn't stopped investigating my shooting, I thought you would have given up on me long before that, I didn't exactly give you any reason to even want to look into it. And then I came to see you at that book signing and watching you walk away from me was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life."

After a few moments of silence in the room, Castle broke it. "Are you done now?" His voice was uncharacteristically cold, giving away no emotion. When she didn't answer, he got up from his place on the couch and headed back towards the front door. "Great, nice to see you, say hi to Esposito and Ryan for me." He opened the door for her, waiting for her to catch up.

Letting out a quiet chuckle, Beckett rose from her seat and followed him to the door - she wasn't giving him what he wanted though, instead of walking out of it, she pulled it from his grasp and slammed it shut again. "I'm not going anywhere."

Castle opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish. What the hell? "You agreed to leave once you'd said your piece," he reminded her, "you've said what you wanted to say, now go."

"No, Castle," she replied defiantly, "I came here to talk things through with you, I'm not leaving until we've done that."

"And here I was, thinking you were smart," he said sarcastically. "Which part of 'leave' don't you understand, Beckett?"

"The part where I leave and you don't say anything," she replied. "I'll stay here all night if I have to, Castle, I just need to know where we stand." Whatever he said she wasn't leaving the city, it would just help her figure out what to do next if he helped her to understand what he was thinking.

"Me moving to another state didn't answer that?" He laughed cruelly. "I think I've made it perfectly clear where we stand, Beckett, it's about time you realised it too."

"You do know I _read_ the letter you wrote me," she pointed out, his reaction similar to what she had anticipated. "That letter sure didn't sound like someone who'd given up."

He hated that she was right. What ever he said to her now wasn't really much use, she'd read what he had to say just before he left and that had been pretty heartwarming in a heartbreaking sort of way.

"Yeah well, things change," he said. "That letter was written almost three weeks ago, a lot can happen in that time." He didn't even know why he was being so harsh to her. Sure, she'd lied to him and acted like he didn't exist for three months but did she really deserve this? His heart said no but that was the same heart that had been shattered into a million pieces when he found out she'd lied to him, quite clearly she hadn't felt the same way so why listen to his stupid damn heart, it would only get him into trouble.

"You're being quite rude, you know," she pointed out helpfully. "Goodness knows what your mother would say right now. Or your daughter, come to that," she added thoughtfully.

If he wasn't determined to get her to leave as soon as physically possible, he would have laughed. She was right, his mother and his daughter would both scold him for his rudeness right now but they weren't here so her point was irrelevant.

"Look, I'm sorry you've had a wasted journey but there's nothing I can do. You lied to me and pushed me away, despite everything we've been through together, and as much as I wish it didn't, it hurts too much to forgive you. I meant what I said in that letter, one day you're going to find someone who makes you happy and you'll realise why _we_ didn't happen." If another man so much as looked at her in his presence he'd need restraining but she didn't need to know that, all she needed to know was that this wasn't happening.

She studied him for a few moments, a little twinkle in her eye. "You know I don't believe you, right?" She grinned as she re-opened the door and sauntered down the hallway towards the elevator, leaving Castle stood dumbstruck in the doorway of his own apartment.

* * *

**A/N: think I lost some of you when I mentioned 'more angst' but thank you if you're still with me :)**

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	13. Chapter 13

Walking away from a bemused looking Castle, Kate couldn't help the grin on her face. He might have acted exactly as she had imagined he would, but there was one thing she hadn't been counting on - the look in his eyes telling her he was still in love with her. It had been obvious the second he opened the door and saw her standing there and the relief that had flooded through her at that point had given her the motivation to go through with it, even though he acted like he didn't want to know.

She couldn't blame him, she'd hurt him, she knew that and he definitely wasn't wrong to try and protect his heart, it was only to be expected. But now that she'd seen him, now that she knew his feelings were still there, Beckett knew she had to carry on. Take however long it took to get through to him, until he realised she was in it for the long haul.

So tomorrow, after they'd both got some rest and let the events of the day settle in, she'd go and see him again and begin her plan to convince Castle he needed her in his life.

Castle didn't know what to think or do. Beckett turning up here had been the last thing he ever expected, he honestly thought that if she ever actually read that letter, she'd take his words at face value and he'd never see her again. He shouldn't be so surprised really, her whole career was based on reading between the lines to discover the truth, really that's what she was doing now. And even if he'd never admit it to her in a million years, he was glad she was here, it told him that she hadn't given up just yet, despite his insistence that he didn't want her around.

He'd spent the whole duration of her visit trying to play it cool, pretend as if he didn't need or want her here and he had to say, when she'd walked away with her sassy comment about not believing him, he had been a little annoyed. After putting so much effort into being so disinterested, her throwing it back in his face wasn't what he'd anticipated.

If he was honest with himself, half of his anger had dissipated the second he'd opened the door to find her standing there. The fact that she'd come all this way to talk to him made his heart swell, not only for himself and their relationship but for what it meant about her - would Kate Beckett of three years ago have dropped everything to fly off and see her partner, not knowing if they even wanted to see her? No, he didn't think so.

But none of that mattered now anyway, he'd let her day her piece and she was probably on the next flight back to JFK. One thing ate at him though - he'd never asked her how she'd got his address from Alexis.

* * *

"Yo, Beckett, you and Castle back in the city yet?"

"Not yet, Espo," Kate sighed. "Let's just say he wasn't exactly pleased to see me."

"So what, you're just giving up?" Espo asked flatly, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

If he were here and not three thousand miles away on the end of the phone, Beckett would have rolled her eyes at him. "No, Espo, I'm not giving up. This is me you're talking to, remember?"

"Yeah yeah, I guess you're right, blame it on lack of sleep." Given that it was currently 2am New York time, Beckett was almost glad of being away from it all, those early morning body drops were not her favourite.

"Catch a good one?"

"Not sure yet," Espo replied. "Lanie's starting the autopsy first thing so then we should have an ID and cause of death. Want us to call when we're there?'

"Er..yeah, please," she smiled. She could still do her job from the other side of the country. "I've gotta get some sleep, speak to you later."

"Later, Beckett."

* * *

Stretching out in bed, Beckett luxuriated in the comfiness of the pillows for a few more moments before hauling her body into the shower. Today marked day one of her 'get Castle back' plan and she aimed on starting early.

A good nights sleep had cleared her head, made it obvious what she had to do - stick around until he realised what was best. He might say he wasn't interested but Beckett knew that wasn't true, and she wasn't leaving until Castle knew it too.

Knocking on Castle's door for the second time in as many days, Beckett couldn't decide if she was more nervous now than yesterday. When she'd been here yesterday, she hadn't known what his reaction would be but now she knew he didn't want her here, and she was still here anyway.

"Beckett!" Castle said as he answered, in a very similar way to how he'd answered just yesterday when he'd seen her.

"Morning, Castle," she replied brightly, breezing through the open door and into his apartment.

"I..what are you doing here?" He asked shell shocked. Shouldn't she be back in New York by now?

"Didn't we have this conversation yesterday?" Beckett replied sassily. "Oh, here," she added, handing him one of the coffees she was currently holding. "Figured I owed you about 80, consider this number one."

Castle couldn't help but smile. "Thanks." Coffee wasn't just coffee for them, they both knew that. Everyday for the past three years, he'd brought her a cup of coffee in the morning, and soon it had been more than that. The smile on her face when he handed it to her never got old, he lived for that smile every morning. It was almost his way of saying I love you without speaking the words, and now she was returning the favour.

"You're welcome. So, do you have plans today?"

"Um, no?" He didn't, Gina wanted the next chapter of his newest novel by tomorrow but even spending time with Beckett outweighed any possibility of him writing.

"Great!" She replied brightly. "I'm a tourist in this city and I need someone to show me around!"

She was giving him that smile. Her coy little 'I-know-what-this-smile-does-to-you-so-I'm-going-to-use-it-to-get-what-I-want' smile. And dammit, it was working, how could he say no to a face like that?!

"Okay fine," he agreed. "I'll spend the day with you playing tourist, batting our way through the crowds of people and eating ice cream on the beach." He rolled his eyes as he said it but truthfully he was kind of delighted. After the way he'd acted towards her yesterday, she had every right to get back on a plane and never contact him again but she hadn't. She was still here and it made his heart swell with happiness.

"You just agreed because of the prospect of ice cream," she teased.

He gave her a tight lipped smile at how well she knew him.

* * *

"Do you want to stay for dinner?" The words were out of Castle's mouth before his brain even had a chance to filter them. The two of them had just got back after a busy day exploring the sights of LA. They'd had a good day, hadn't argued more than they usually did, both of them seeming to forget what had happened in the past. It was playing on Castle's mind a little though, no matter how good a day they'd had and how well they'd got on today, nothing had changed. He was still angry at what had happened, one good day didn't erase that. But what was really worrying him was what Beckett thought, he didn't want her to think this changed things between them, even if he was asking her to stay for dinner.

"I uh..yeah, that would be lovely, thank you." It beat going back to her hotel and ordering room service to eat on her own, anyway. Today had been better than she could have ever expected, Castle had almost been back to his old self, laughing and joking with her just like old times. She didn't want to get her hopes up, but it was looking as if they might be able to move past this and have a future together.

"Great," Castle replied easily, heading into the kitchen to begin preparing food. He'd have to bring up his concerns over dinner, the last thing he wanted was to lead her on and he couldn't have her leaving here thinking there was something where there wasn't.

They moved around the kitchen together as if they'd been doing it for years, working in a practised unison that would cause an outsider looking in to think they were a married couple.

It was just a simple dinner of spaghetti bolognese, but after a day outside in the sun, breathing in all that salty sea air, Beckett had to admit it smelt extremely appetising.

"Thanks for today, Castle," she said as they sat down to eat. "I know you didn't have to and how angry you were that I was here but thank you."

What did he say to that? He'd just been about to bring up that she couldn't think this meant anything and she went and said that. "You're welcome," he replied politely. Well, he still had manners, after all.

"Okay," she said pointedly, putting her cutlery down and pushing her plate away. "Why do I get the feeling there's something you want to say?"

He forgot how well they knew each other, made him wonder really how he'd managed to miss that she was lying that day in the hospital when she'd told him she didn't remember. "You're right," she sighed, "there is something I want to say and it really shouldn't be this hard given all the crap I said to you yesterday but no matter what's happened, I don't ever want to hurt you intentionally."

That struck a nerve. "You do know nothing I ever did was to hurt you intentionally, right?" She half whispered. "I know I _have_ hurt you but it was.." She struggled to find the right words. "With the best intentions? No, that's not right.."

"I get what you mean," he interrupted. "You never went out with the aim to hurt me like you did, I know that."

"So just say whatever it is you want to say, Castle, I think we're way past keeping things in order to not hurt the other now." There was no way they could ever move forward if they didn't just spit out what they needed to say, it was one of the biggest flaws in their relationship and the miscommunications in the past had got them into this huge mess now.

Castle left the table, taking both of their plates to the kitchen and Beckett followed him, taking her glass of wine with her. She was curious as to what he wanted to say, but she couldn't deny the small scattering of butterflies fluttering about in her belly, anxious at what he was about to say would do to them.

"Today doesn't mean anything," he blurted out, dropping the plates into the sink.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean..it doesn't change anything. I'm still angry at you and none of that is going to change just because we had a good day together. Okay, yeah, maybe I'm being a bit childish but that's just the way it is. I think today has proved we can still get along and I'm not going to lie, it was fun today, I don't think we even had a day like that back in New York, but nothing else will ever happen between us, it's not like that anymore."

Beckett was silent for a few minutes, taking in what Castle had just said. It hurt, that she would admit but it was only what she deserved. She had no idea what possessed her to do it but the next thing either of them knew, Beckett had hoisted herself up on tiptoes, cupped his face in her hands and pressed her lips to his in a passionate kiss.

It took Castle a few seconds to realise what was happening, but after allowing himself a few precious moments to indulge in the heavenly softness of her lips, he grasped her wrists in his hands and pulled her away from him.

"It's not like that anymore, Beckett," he repeated quietly, faces still just inches apart. He could have sworn he could see the moment her heart broke at his words but there was something else there, a steely look of determination in her eyes that told him she wasn't giving up. Oh hell, he was screwed.

* * *

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	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: writers block is a pain in the arse. I apologise if this isn't the best of chapters, but I did the best I could. Once again, thank you so much for all the love on this story so far.**

* * *

"Yeah? And who're you trying to convince of that - me or yourself?" Beckett counteracted, taking a step away from him.

Castle had to concede that she had a point. He had been the one to bring this whole subject up and it was him trying to get across that this meant nothing - Beckett was right, he was trying harder to convince himself than to convince her. But what more could he do? If moving to the other side of the country didn't work then his words were all he had - only now, unlike his books he knew she loved so much, they weren't the words she wanted to hear.

"Okay," Beckett nodded resonably. "You don't wanna talk right now, that's cool." She gathered her things and headed towards the door, Castle still stood in exactly the same spot, looking completely confused.

"Are you going back to New York?" He blurted out, desperately hoping he hadn't sounded disappointed at the possibility that she could be leaving. It was for the best, it really was. They argued and fought and lied and didn't say what needed to be said, what kind of a basis was that for a relationship?

He wasn't too sure what to think when she walked out of his apartment without a word, just a small smile on her face.

* * *

Throwing herself onto the luxurious king sized bed in her hotel room, Beckett groaned as her cell beeped, alerting her to a new text message. She'd been out all day, she just wanted to sleep! Digging her cell out of her bag, she was surprised to see the message was from Alexis.

'_How is it going with my dad?'_ The girl had typed.

'_Alright I guess_.' Beckett replied._ 'Probably better than I expected, but could always improve.'_ She knew she didn't deserve Castle's forgiveness but that didn't mean she didn't want it. Today had been brilliant, he'd reminded her of the man she had fallen in love with and words couldn't describe how amazing it felt to have that man back again. Kissing him had been spur of the moment, but at least he hadn't thrown her out. In fact, he'd sounded almost disappointed when she left..perhaps she was getting through to him.

Suddenly wide awake, she picked her cell back up and dialled Lanie's number.

"Hey girl," Lanie answered on the third ring. "How's things going in your world?"

"Okay," Beckett replied non commitedly. "He hasn't actually chucked me out yet, so I guess that's a start."

"So you've seen him then?"

"Yeah..first time wasn't so great but I think we argued everything out and then this morning I just showed up with coffee and pretty much demanded he show me around the city." She had been a little forceful this morning but hey, it had worked, hadn't it?

"Oh Kate," Lanie breathed, the joy evident across the speaker. "That's brilliant, I'm so glad you're making progress!"

"Yeah well, there's a long way to go yet," Beckett muttered. "He invited me to stay for dinner tonight and then proceeded to tell me that 'it's not like that anymore'." She put on a stupid voice for the final five words, letting Lanie know she was quoting the man himself.

"Oh honey," Lanie soothed sympathetically. "But you're friends again, right?"

"Yeah I think so," Kate said. They were friends, weren't they? "I uh..might have kissed him when he said that, though.."

Beckett wasn't surprised to hear Lanie laugh at that final comment, so very like her. "You get him, girl," she chortled. "Have you told him how you feel yet?"

"Not yet," Kate sighed. "I just..I need him to know I mean it." It was stupid, all she had to do was put together three little words, just eight letters, but it was a lot easier said than done. "I can't just _say it,_ not yet..I want him to believe me and not just think I'm saying it to get him to forgive me. Is that stupid?"

"No honey, it's not stupid," Lanie reassured. "And I think you're probably right..he needs to learn to trust you again and saying it too soon could ruin everything."

Beckett breathed a sigh of relief. She'd been keeping that to herself since she first came to LA to find him, but it really was a huge weight off of her shoulders to hear Lanie say she was making the right choice.

"Thank you, Lanie," Beckett said. "And I promise I'll give you a call soon, okay?"

"Too right you will!" Lanie said, before cutting off the call and leaving Beckett to sleep.

* * *

Where Beckett was quickly falling fast asleep, Castle was the complete opposite. His brain was addled with thoughts and comments and images of his day with Beckett and just didn't seem capable of stopping and allowing him to get some rest.

But for all he knew, Beckett was on a plane back to New York, giving up on him when she realised he wasn't interested anymore. That was what he had said he wanted all along, ever since she'd arrived he'd been trying to get her to leave, saying it wasn't like that anymore and that they weren't getting together..so why did the thought of her giving up and going home fill him with dread?

Realising he wasn't dozing off anytime soon, he retrieved his cell phone from the bedside table and brought up his daughters number. Hitting dial, he waited for her to answer, hoping she hadn't called it quits earlier than usual and gone to bed already.

"Dad?" She answered, sounding worried. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine, Pumpkin," he reassured. "Just wanted to talk to my favourite daughter before I went to bed, that's all."

"Dad, I'm your _only_ daughter," she reminded and he could practically see her rolling her eyes at him right now.

"Doesn't mean you're not my favourite," he argued back. "So, how's school going?"

"It's going great, actually," Alexis gushed. "I've made some great friends already and the classes I've already started are going well, I'm so glad I came here, it was definitely the best decision."

"I'm glad, Pumpkin," he smiled. "You know I only want what's best for you."

"I know, dad," she replied. "And I want the best for you, too." She hesitated before speaking again. "Have you seen detective Beckett yet?" She asked hesitantly.

"Good job she told me how she got my address, hey?" He teased. "Yeah, I've seen her."

"And?" Alexis pressed.

What did he say? That they'd argued and fought and said things they didn't mean but then today had gone out together, exploring the city and eating ice cream on the beach. "I guess you could say we're friends again," he admitted finally.

"Well that's good, isn't it?" His daughter asked.

"Yeah.." Castle replied. "Just..that's all we're ever going to be, friends." Twice in one day he was having this conversation, but he knew the majority of his daughters thoughts, he didn't want her getting her hopes up either.

"Dad, she flew three thousand miles to see you," Alexis pointed out. "Surely that counts for something?"

It did. It meant a hell of a lot that she'd done that but it didn't erase what she'd done already. "It's complicated, Alexis," he sighed wearily.

"And I'm a kid, I wouldn't understand," Alexis sneered.

"That's not what I said, Alexis," Castle warned. "I'm just saying, there's a lot you don't know about my relationship with Beckett and that's why it's complicated, okay?"

"Fine," she relented. "Just..don't give up too soon, okay? Because Beckett didn't."

His daughters final words did nothing to help him sleep, perhaps Gina would get her chapter after all..

* * *

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	15. Chapter 15

Talking to Lanie had been just what Beckett needed; she'd slept like a baby all night, safe with the knowledge that her friend agreed she was doing the right thing by not telling Castle exactly how she felt yet. She would tell him soon though, once she was certain he was willing to move on and forgive her for what she'd done to hurt him. But it had to be after that, not before, she couldn't risk ruining everything once more - she'd lost him once and it was a mistake she intended never to repeat. If she was certain about one thing in her life, it was that Richard Castle belonged there.

After her incredible nights sleep, Beckett wandered down to the hotel restaurant for a light breakfast of fruit and a croissant - with coffee, obviously, and set about deciding what she'd do with her day. Her head screamed at her to go and see Castle again, make him aware that she was still there and that she wasn't giving up and going home just because it wasn't easy, but her heart said the opposite. Let him think about her for the day, wonder if she'd caught the first flight back to New York or not, until it got so much that he came to her. Of course, that's what he'd been doing for the past three years and some would say it was definitely her turn now to do the chasing but she needed to play it cool at times, too. She didn't want him thinking he could tell them they wouldn't be together and she'd still turn up with coffee and a smile, had to let him sweat it out a bit. Perhaps she'd head over tonight and see if they could get dinner together or something..

Now that she had the day free, Beckett settled on making use of the hotels spa services, stopping by reception after breakfast to book herself in for a full body massage and a facial, she could do with unwinding properly. The stress of her job coupled with the anxiety of chasing Castle across the country had wound her tighter than a coil; a relaxing morning would do her body wonders.

* * *

Lying there with practiced hands un-kinking all the knots in her back and neck was absolute heaven, Beckett was half tempted to find a good masseuse back in New York and have one of these sessions monthly. Her whole body felt relaxed and invigorated, just the scent of the massage oils enough to clear her mind of any worries.

The masseuse was a friendly blonde woman who had a smile that could light up even the worst days and she definitely knew what she was doing. In just 40 minutes, she had changed Beckett completely, making the detective feel lighter and happier than she had done in months. Why hadn't she thought of this before? But then she realised – she'd only just started taking the time to actually put herself first for once. Ever since her mother had been murdered, it had been all about trying to get her dad to stop drinking, and then after that, it had been her work – fighting for justice for the victims and trying to uncover the truth about what had happened to her mom.

She'd always been pretty stressed out, being a homicide cop wasn't the easiest of jobs, but she'd learnt early on how to manage it. As long as she could put it aside and escape with a Castle novel and a glass of red at the end of the day, the stress was manageable.

But after she'd been shot, she had simply had to put herself first for a while or she never would have recovered properly. Having not done it much in a long time though had meant she'd gone so far to the other end of the scale that she'd shut everyone out – which was precisely why she was led on a table with a stranger kneading her skin right now.

Beckett left a generous tip, thanking the masseuse profusely for her magic hands and how wonderful the session had been, deciding she'd keep with the relaxed theme the day was taking and change into a bikini to laze by the pool for a bit.

* * *

Castle was confused. He checked the clock for what felt like the millionth time just that day, reading that it was now 12:47pm. A whole seven minutes since he'd last checked. If he was being completely honest with himself, he knew the reason behind his confusion – Beckett hadn't shown up on his doorstep with coffee and demanding they do something touristy today.

Panic flittered through him like a train through an empty station; what if she was back in New York? What if she had given up now, taking his words for face value and believing that he didn't want anything to do with her anymore? He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down; desperately trying to read the expression she had given him the previous night. He had been certain it was determination, a look that quite clearly screamed 'I'm not giving up', but what if he'd been wrong? He wasn't exactly an expert at reading women's signals, possibly why he had two failed marriages, but he could have sworn he was right with this one, after all, this was _Beckett, _not one of his ex wives, he knew her better than that, didn't he?

A few more minutes of doubting his own genius only produced one conclusion: he was going to have to find out what hotel she'd been staying in and make a trip over there, see for himself if she was still in town.

"Hey, Tony, its Rick Castle, how have you been?" A pause while he listened to the reply. "Yeah, things are going well in California." A lie. "I was just calling to see if I could cash in on that favour you owe me?"

Twenty minutes later and he had the name of the hotel Beckett was checked into. He was halfway out the door before he'd even ended the phone call.

It was a nice looking hotel, a tall building overlooking the ocean on one side, the penthouse sweet probably had an incredible view. Given that it was another hot day in LA, Castle decided to chance his luck and check the pool before charming the receptionist into giving him Beckett's room number.

He strolled in like he was staying at the hotel, trying not to make it too obvious that he had no clue where he was going. Using his initiative, he headed to the door leading straight outside at the back, hoping it was to the pool and not the laundry room or something.

Good fortune was on his side – the door did indeed lead to the pool and he came face to face with bikini clad women and men in everything from Speedos to board shorts. It didn't faze him though, this was LA and he was used to half naked people by now.

He slid into a seat on the far side of the bar, slightly camouflaged by the tall palm tree placed in the middle, but with a good enough view of he pool, allowing him to survey the area from behind his sunglasses without alerting suspicion to himself. The last thing he wanted was to make a scene, especially not if Beckett was here.

He almost missed her when he first looked over to her sun lounger. The Kate Beckett he knew wore smart pants and turtleneck sweaters, not the most ridiculous excuse for a bikini he'd ever seen. Her tanned legs went on for miles, leading up to perfect hips and a toned stomach, before reaching her chest. Drawing his eyes away from her incredible body, Castle's gaze rose to her face and he couldn't hide his grin when he saw what she was reading. The very first Nikki Heat novel - seemed she still loved it even now.

Now that he'd seen her, lazing around the pool reading her autographed copy of Heat Wave, he felt like an idiot. What was he doing here? Just last night he'd told her that 'it wasn't like that anymore', that they weren't going to happen and yet here he was, stalking her at her hotel, just to ease his fears that she hadn't done exactly what he'd been telling her to do ever since she first showed up on his doorstep.

He couldn't let her see him, couldn't let her know that he'd been here to check on her just because she hadn't shown up at his place again. The last thing he wanted was to give her the wrong idea; it had damn near killed him tearing himself away from her the night before and right now the temptation was too much. That _thing _she was wearing hardy covered anything as it was and he knew damn well it would come back to haunt him in his dreams for the next few days. Weeks. Probably months.

With one last glance in her direction to check it was safe to slip away, Castle slid down from the bar stool and hurried back through the door he'd used earlier and back out to his car.

"That's a good one, isn't it?" Came a voice from the left. Glancing around, Beckett saw it belonged to a pretty young woman, also topping up her tan in the afternoon sunshine, referring to the book she was holding.

"One of my favourites," Beckett agreed with a smile.

"I hear it's based on a real life detective, did you know that?"

"I heard the rumours," Beckett muttered, biting her lip to stop her grin. And the temptation to spill to the stranger that _she_ was the detective it was based on.

"I'd love to meet him one day," the young woman continued with a dreamy smile. "He's got the most amazing eyes.."

Didn't Beckett know it. She'd spent the best part of three years trying to get rid of the image of his eyes as they sparkled with mischief out of her head.

"Anyway, enjoy!" The woman said as she headed towards the pool. Becket didn't have the chance to tell her that the man himself had left the hotel not five minutes ago. He had thought he was being sly but this was Castle, he could make himself obvious in a room of Richard Castle look-alikes, subtlety was not his strong point.

It was sweet though, if not slightly creepy, the way he'd managed to track her down and find her here, just another indication that he hadn't meant what he'd said last night.

* * *

Four pm the following afternoon found Beckett at the beach, enjoying the sunshine once again. She still hadn't shown up at Castle's, forgoing her plans of turning up to go for dinner with him the previous evening after spotting him at the hotel looking for her. That had been a clear indicator that he was still interested so she'd let him sweat it out a little more before seeing him again. Well, not too long..

The reason she was at the beach was due to a text she had received that lunchtime from a certain red-head she knew. It had made Beckett laugh when she read it, simply saying: "_a New York homicide cop currently in LA may be in luck at spotting her favourite author at Surfrider beach in Malibu around 4.30 this afternoon."_

So here Beckett was, another revealing swimsuit on under her kimono, stretched out on a towel on the sand. She was close to the back of the beach, where she had a clear view of the sea and the rest of the sand, being able to observe freely.

It did seem a little odd that Castle would be at this beach given that it wasn't the closest to his apartment, but Beckett had shown up anyway, wondering if Alexis had been right and Castle would be here soon. She had no reason to believe Alexis would be lying, the young girl had given Beckett her fathers address for starters, surely that meant she would be for them giving it a shot.

He worries were eased when she spotted Castle walking up the beach with- oh wow, he had a surfboard with him. She had to contain her laughter at that, whipping out her cell to rattle off a text to Alexis.

_"He's going to surf? Man, I can't wait to see this!"_ She typed, hitting send and stowing her phone securely back in her bag to protect it from the sand. Beckett couldn't believe this was actually happening, watching Castle surf was bound to be exciting. That explained why this beach, though, from what Beckett knew – which wasn't a lot – this was one of the best beaches to surf at in LA.

He'd been working out, that was the second thing Kate noticed about him. His abs were toned and tanned, biceps more defined than she remembered, he definitely looked amazing, that was for sure. As he reached a spot near the sea to the right of where Beckett was watching, he set his board down on the sand and looked around, as if he were waiting for someone.

And it soon became clear who he was waiting for, as a tall, beautiful brunette joined him on the beach, also carrying a surfboard. Beckett tried not to let it get to her, told herself it was just a friend and they surfed together, nothing more. Perhaps they'd met on the beach while surfing alone one day and decided to get together to explore their common interest, that was a likely possibility.

Now that he was here and preoccupied, Beckett took the chance to move, shifting her bag and towel down closer to the sea, closer to Castle and his friend but not close enough to be obvious about it. However, now that she had moved nearer, Beckett had a better view of Castle's friend – and she was strikingly gorgeous. She stood next to Castle and barely had to raise her head to look at him as they spoke, she had to stand at at least six foot, if not an inch or two more. Her chocolate brown hair was laced with blonde at the ends, lightened by the constant sun here in LA. And what she was wearing didn't leave much to the imagination, a simple yellow string bikini top with matching bottoms showed off an incredible figure and tan, the woman would make a Victoria's Secret model jealous.

As they laughed together and picked up their boards in unison, Castle happened to glance to his left – his gaze landing directly on Beckett. He looked startled at first, but recovered quickly, following his friend down to the edge of the water. He didn't look her way again, instead paying rapt attention to whatever miss perfect over there was saying. Beckett wasn't jealous, she really wasn't..

It soon became clear, when the woman practised a manoeuvre on her board, still on the edge of the water and Castle observed and then copied that she was his surfing instructor. Although it didn't necessarily rule out any romantic relationship, Beckett had to admit that she felt some sort of relief knowing he was paying her for this and they weren't just friends meeting up for a late afternoon surf.

Beckett almost laughed when they stood up again and Castle beamed at the instructor, placing a light touch on her arm. He was flirting with her – which he hadn't been doing before he spotted Beckett. The flirting continued as they headed out into the water, coy looks and just not quite innocent touches that lasted a second too long. I was obvious he was trying to make Beckett jealous and she had to admit, it was working slightly, she just wanted to head out into the water herself and push the stupid woman off of her board and into the sea but she stopped herself. Just.

He was just doing it to get to her, Kate knew that and she'd be damned if she let him think he was. Oh no, there was no way he was going home with a smug grin on his face thinking he'd got one over on her, not a chance in hell.

Instead of nearly drowning Castle's new best friend – however tempting it may have been - Beckett did what she did best – teased and taunted him. Just as the two of them began to paddle back towards the shore, Beckett stripped down to her bikini and threw down her cover up, heading towards the ocean without even a glance in Castle's direction. She paddled out to waist height, before diving cleanly all the way under, bobbing back up to the surface a few metres further out. Turning 180 degrees back to face the beach, she allowed herself a quick look towards Castle, who was quite openly staring at her as he stood with his instructor at the edge of the water once again.

_Good_, she grinned, that had been her intention. Swimming around for a bit, Beckett cooled off before making her way slowly back to shore, swimming at first, until she reached shallower water, and standing up. Quickly checking her red two piece was still in place, Kate strode slowly back through the water dripping wet. Flicking her hair over one shoulder, she squeezed the excess water out and left her hair where it was, only grinning at Castle's shocked expression as she sauntered back up the beach.

That would teach him to flirt with his surf instructor in front of her.

* * *

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	16. Chapter 16

The morning after the 'beach incident', Kate decided she'd teased Castle enough and it was time to turn up uninvited at his apartment again. The past couple of days, seeing him turn up at her hotel and then her watching him surf at the beach had been her toeing the line, she knew that. She was here to convince Castle that they belonged together and although her teasing had been reciprocated, it could be left for a while now. It was just how their relationship was, though, the teasing and the flirting and the trying to make the other jealous - to an outsider watching their relationship it might seem like a stupid thing to do, she was meant to be apologising of course, but to them it was a silent step in the right direction, a step towards forgiveness and moving on.

Kate felt as thought they were at a bit of a crossroads right now. They were stuck between giving up or sticking with it, between teasing and taking it all seriously. The teasing was just _them_ but right now she needed him to know she was serious about him too. But she was sticking to her guns - no telling him she loved him until she knew he had forgiven her. Even if he said 'I forgive you but that doesn't change anything' then she could say it, but not before, not when he could still take it as her trying to get him to forgive her.

Castle also woke early that morning, yesterday evening's events still playing on his mind. It was stupid, he had told himself - and her - that it wasn't like that anymore but then again, he'd have to be a fool to think he could fall out of love with Kate Beckett that easily. And if he needed anymore proof that he was still in love with her, it was his stupid decision to flirt with Taylor at the beach yesterday. The woman was gay, for crying out loud, he knew that and yet he'd pretended to be interested in her anyway just to get to Beckett. Dammit, was he 15 again?

It was her. She brought out these ridiculous emotions in him, she always had. He hated that she could do it, make him lose his defences and act like a teenager with his first crush all over again. Damn irresistible woman. None of that excused what she'd done though, and his stupid heart needed to remember that.

* * *

"Morning Castle," Beckett sing-songed as she breezed past him into his apartment, handing him a steaming cup of coffee on her way. "And how may you be on this fine sunshiny day?"

"Wow, someone's in a good mood this morning," Castle pointed out, "what did they put in your muesli?"

"Nothing special," she shrugged. "Just happy to see you. I don't know if you heard but my best friend decided he was moving to LA with like ten seconds notice or something ridiculous."

"Mm, I'd heard the rumour," Castle muttered drily. "And does that explain why you're on my doorstep in a ridiculously good mood at-" he checked his watch- "8.16am?" It was a good job she'd brought coffee, he probably wouldn't have let her in otherwise but the caffeine was very much needed.

"I guess so," she shrugged. "You see, I kinda really _really_ hurt my best friend. I was a jackass and a complete cow when he so didn't deserve it so I flew over to LA to see him, to try and get our friendship back the way it was."

She was trying, she really was and Castle could see that, and he really did appreciate it. It might have taken him walking away from her to realise it but at least now she knew what was at stake and the fact that she'd flown here to see him was a huge step for her, he was so very proud of the woman she'd become over the past few years. Kate Beckett didn't do the whole 'down on one knee begging for forgiveness' thing, if you got an apology out of her you were lucky, she was just that stubborn, but she had apologised to him when they'd first seen each other again and although a simple word couldn't undo a world of hurt, from her it went a hell of a long way.

And yes, the past two days had been a bit different from how it had been when she first got here, they'd reverted back to more like their old selves with the flirting and the teasing and he had to admit, it was good to go back to that again, it had felt like forever since he'd been able to have a laugh and and a joke with her.

One thing he was glad of though was that she wasn't pushing the 'it isn't like that anymore' stance, she'd realised he wasn't willing to go down that road with her anymore and seemed perfectly content to just be friends. Friends he could do, they'd had a brilliant three years being friends and in all honesty, he did miss it quite a bit.

"And how's that going for you?" He asked, playing along with her game.

"Hard to tell," she replied, setting herself down on the couch. "I don't think he hates me anymore but I know I still have a lot of making up to do."

"I never hated you," he mumbled quietly. He doubted there was anything she could do to make him hate her really.

"Is that why you came to my hotel the other day?" She asked, equally as low in volume.

"I..you..what?" How on earth did she know he'd been therer, he'd left before she had the chance to see him!

"Oh come off it, Castle," she laughed. "This is you and I we're talking about - you know, I'm a detective and you're about as subtle as a hurricane."

"I still can't believe you saw me," he huffed, before brightening again. "Does this mean we can talk about how you were reading the first Nikki Neat book?"

This time it was Beckett's turn to stutter. "I..wasn't..it was- not fair, Castle."

"Alls fair in love and war, Beckett," he grinned.

"That may be, but you still haven't answered my question."

The truth was, Castle didn't want to talk about it because that meant admitting things to both her and himself that he'd rather not admit right now. Or ever, actually. He could hardly tell her one day that they weren't ever going to be in _that_ kind of a relationship and then just two days later tell her he'd stalked her at her hotel because he was worried she'd dropped it all and gone home. What kind of a message would that be sending out?

"I uh.." A pause. "Had a meeting. With.." Another pause. "A producer. About the.." God he was really screwing this up. "Next Nikki Heat movie," he finished lamely.

Beckett studied him for a moment before she spoke. "You know, given that you make stories up for a living, I would have thought you'd have a better excuse prepared than that," she mused with a playful smile.

Castle knew when to admit defeat, especially when it came to Beckett. "Yeah well, think of it like in a murder investigation - innocent people don't prepare alibis, remember? I didn't think you'd seen me."

Beckett wasn't oblivious to the fact that he still hadn't given her an answer but she was guessing he didn't want to talk about that right now. "Okay so are we going to talk about what happened at the beach?"

"Almost like old times, hey?" Castle answered with a small smile. But it was the truth, he could completely see that happening between them on the beach at his Hamptons home, without all the added drama of lies and pushing people out.

Kate was so relieved he had said that, it had been exactly what she was thinking and it was a massive weight off of her shoulders to know he felt the same. "Yeah, I guess it was," she added with a slight laugh. "I miss you, Castle." The words were out of her mouth before her brain even had a chance to catch up and comprehend what was being said.

Castle looked taken aback for a moment, his eyes wide with shock before his brow furrowed, as if in confusion. He was beginning to wonder what on earth had happened to her since the shooting, the Beckett he knew didn't open up so easily, it had been a shock when he'd heard the phone call between her and Royce just over a year ago, so openly discussing how she felt. And at the same time, this also told him something else - she meant it. If he knew one thing about her it was that she meant everything she said and that was one of the things that made her such a brilliant cop. Beckett only said thing like that if she was sure it was what she wanted to say and he wouldn't deny how it made him feel.

"I miss you too, Beckett," he admitted at last and he heard her let out a breath she'd obviously been holding during the tense silence.

It seemed that now he had returned the gesture, nothing could stop her. "I miss seeing your face every single morning at work, no matter the hour you were almost always happy to be there. I miss the coffee you used to bring me because you know how much I love it. I miss your crazy, ridiculous theories about aliens or the CIA..the jokes you used to make that would light up even the worst of cases, the way Ryan hung onto your every word and Esposito looked as if you were crazy but we know he loves you really. But most of all..most of all I miss how you were always there for me even when I was adamant I didn't want you to be. I tried so hard to push you away but you were having none of it, for three years you were there, standing next to me the whole way, even at..at Montgomery's funeral." She took a deep breath, talking about Montgomery was still hard. "And then I obviously pushed too hard and you actually listened to me for once in your life.." Eyes brimming with tears, she brushed them away with a swipe of her hand, letting out a watery laugh. "The one time I needed my best friend he did exactly the opposite to what he'd done for three years and it was all my stupid fault."

Castle couldn't resist. No matter what she'd done, seeing her so upset about this was breaking his heart all over again. He pulled her into a tight hug, murmuring words of comfort into her hair.

"I'm sorry, Castle," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"I know you are," Castle replied quietly and he meant it. He truly believed she was sorry because he could count on one hand the number of times he'd heard her apologise for something. "And I meant what I said, I miss you too, you know."

Beckett was on the verge of snapping back with some snarky comment about it obviously not being enough if he'd moved to LA but that wasn't fair. She'd put him through hell and it was only right that he'd want to move away from that, even if he did miss her. "God, we're a mess, aren't we?" She laughed.

"A big non-communicative, screwed up mess," he replied. "Bit you know what this calls for, right?" He asked, pulling back to look at her.

"Mandatory ice cream for breakfast?" She suggested.

Castle could have cried at how well she knew him. Sure, they'd screwed things up big time but they were working on that. Beckett's confession about missing him had gone straight to the heart and he doubted she knew that, he could tell from the sincerity in her voice that it was he truth and she was saying it because she meant it.

Digging out the ice cream from the freezer, Castle didn't even bother with bowls, grabbing a couple of spoons from the drawer and passing the tub to her. "Dig in," he said, opening the tub of mint choc chip he had in his hands.

"How did you know strawberries and cream was my favourite?" She asked, opening the tub and scooping out a mouthful.

"Lucky guess," he shrugged and Beckett would have argued it but this was the man who had memorised her coffee order after one day of working together, goodness knows how he was so observant when he had the attention span of a puppy.

"Castle," she began hesitantly. "I think we need to talk.." They'd argued and fought, teased and flirted. She'd chased him to the other side of the country but none of it was any use if he wasn't willing to be caught.

* * *

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	17. Chapter 17

'We need to talk' had to to be four of the most nerve wracking words anyone could hear. The flutter of butterflies that cropped up the second your brain had processed what was being said was practically a certainty, the anxiousness of hanging on to listen to what you apparently needed to talk about was enough to drive anyone crazy.

And in their current situation, Beckett saying 'we need to talk' could mean any number of things, some of which Castle really didn't want to think about. "I uh..okay," he agreed hesitantly. "About what?"

She looked at him with an eyebrow raised. "The likelihood of Brad Pitt becoming the next president of the United States," she returned sarcastically. "About _us_, obviously." She rolled her eyes and he bit back a grin, some things never changed.

Obviously. "I see. And what in particular _about us_ would you like to discuss?" He asked diplomatically. He wasn't entirely sure he was ready for this conversation, it was much easier to pretend he was still livid with her and deny that he still had feelings for her but it was pretty obvious they both knew he was lying. And it appeared she had had enough of avoiding the elephant in the room and had decided now was when they needed to talk about what on earth they were doing.

"Don't be an arse, Castle," she sighed. "You know what I want to talk about."

Oh but winding her up was so much more fun. "Okay, well why don't you start, say whatever it is you so desperately think I should know and then I'll see if there's anything I think I should add?"

Beckett nodded. "Alright, I think that could work. I guess I just want to know where we stand, you know, lay all our cards on the table, no lies or misconceptions between us anymore, just honesty."

Better late than never, he supposed. However, he remained silent and let her continue.

"Like I said to you before, after my shooting I was a state. I guess I didn't realise it myself at the time, but when I look back I can see why my dad was so worried..he'd never seen me like that before, it must have been quite a shock for him. When my mother was murdered, I was the one who had to be strong for the sake of the family she'd left behind, my dad turned to the bottle and it was me that was making sure the bills were paid, doing the food shopping and making sure we ate. So when I was shot and ended up at my dad's cabin to recuperate, for once I wasn't being the grown up one. Someone had just tried to kill me and that took a little getting used to. I mean, I know there's a risk of that on a daily basis with my job, but most of those instances would be down to an accident or a suspect trying too hard to get away, knowing someone had actually sat down and planned the best way to attempt to murder me was a little spine tingling."

"Tell me about it," Castle muttered. Those exact thoughts had run through his head in the immediate aftermath of her shooting, the despair he'd felt at not being able to help, to do anything to change things.

"And so after that, after I'd lied to you and said I need some space, I took the cowards way out and ran. I hid away from everyone who cared about me and ruined us in the process. But I need you to know how sorry I am about that, Castle. I know nothing I can do or say will ever make up for what I did but whatever I can do to help you move past it and forgive me, I'll do."

"Kate, look at me." It was the first time since she'd turned up here in California that he had used her first name and he could see by the look on her face that it had startled her. "You don't have to keep apologising for that, okay? I know you, probably better than you think I do and I know saying you're sorry just isn't a part of your nature. You're not one of those people who feels the need to apologise for every tiny little thing and I like that, makes me cherish it more when you do actually apologise, if that makes sense. I also know that you don't say things unless you actually mean them, so the first time you said you were sorry for what you'd done I'd known that it was truly how you felt."

"Castle, please," she whispered, close to tears. "Please tell me what you're thinking..I know how much I hurt you and I know you have every right to hate me for it, but just tell me what it is you want me to do. I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I'm sorry and trying to get you to forgive me so please, just tell me if I'm on the right track?"

Castle was torn. Torn between telling her things would never be the same again or hauling her into his lap and kissing her senseless. In the end, he went straight down the middle. "Honestly?" He said. "I think I forgave you the second you showed up on my doorstep determined to talk things through."

The tears fell now, his words breaking some kind of invisible dam inside of her. This was ridiculous, she hadn't cried this much in years.

"You have no idea how..surprised I was to see you standing there, never in a million years would I have ever imagined that you'd fly all the way over here to talk to me and it's also testament to how far you've come as a person, because I'm pretty damn sure the Kate Beckett I met over three years ago wouldn't have dropped everything for this."

"I would have just been pleased to get rid of you," she chuckled through her tears. "Remember how much I hated you back then?"

"Yeah yeah, no one brought your act, Beckett!" He grinned. He'd missed her so much over the past few months, despite his insistences that he was over her, she had featured in his thoughts more than once a day. "But anyway, seeing you standing there, knowing you'd come all this way for me pleased me a damn sight more than than I wanted to admit. And that first day..god, I was horrible to you, Beckett, that's not me and I can't apologise enough for it."

"Hey," she counteracted quickly. "Don't you dare apologise, okay? I deserved everything you said to me and I had prepared myself for that sort of reaction anyway. After how easily I managed to get Alexis on side, I knew there had to be something coming to stop my running streak. And as for it not being you, don't you think I know that? You said you know me better than I think but the same goes for you, Castle. I might not have your ridiculous observational skills but I've still learnt a thing or two about you. I know that you're one of the kindest, sweetest, most considerate people I have ever met and you're an incredible person. Alexis is lucky to have you as a father and Martha is lucky to have you as a son. And me, well I'm just lucky you even still want to talk to me again. Over the past few years you've been one of the best friends I could ever ask for and I will never, ever be able to repay you for that."

"You don't give yourself enough credit, Beckett," he argued. "And besides, it's not like I've been totally blameless in all of this. In all honesty, this whole thing is an accumulation of three years teasing and fighting and jealousy. I'll admit that at first it was about trying to get into your pants.." He admitted.

Beckett smirked at that, some things would never change.

"And although that never went away, I'm glad it didn't happen," he continued. "We would have crashed and burned and nothing would be like it is now. It might sound stupid saying that after the hell we've been through in the past few months but it brought us back together in the end. I was stuck after killing off Derrick Storm, I had no idea what I was going to write next and I'm seriously a little surprised that Black Pawn didn't drop me there and then, it wasn't like I was giving them anything to work with. And then you came along and after that first case, I went home and wrote half of the first Nikki Heat novel in one night. I was captivated by you and that has never gone away. Even when I was trying to convince myself I hated you I knew it was no use, you'd embedded yourself in me in a way no one else ever has and I think I'm finally going to have to admit defeat and accept that I'm stuck with you."

"No need to sound so disappointed," Beckett teased with a smile. "I think it was the other way around for me. When I first met you, I just wanted you gone, out of the precinct so I could get on with my job without having to worry about what you were doing to screw up my investigations. When you opened up my moms case, I was so angry with you but that's also the time I realised I wanted you around. I'd gotten used to you by then, asking stupid questions and making up awful theories, and even though you did exactly what I'd asked you not to do, I realised you only did it because you cared. No one else would have ever dared to do what you did and even though you knew what was at stake, you did it anyway and if it weren't for you doing that, we wouldn't be in the position we're in now with my moms case. And so when you came back, I couldn't let you leave forever. You'd actually proved quite useful on occasion and as much as I hated to admit it, I knew I'd regret it if I let you walk away." A fresh wave of tears had begun to fall, painting a trail down her face. "And I think that's why it hurt so much to see you walk away from me outside that bookstore after my shooting, knowing that this time I couldn't do anything about it to get you to turn around. A simple 'see you tomorrow,' wasn't going to work and I realised then how much I could lose if I didn't fight for you."

"I thought you'd give up," he said quietly. "When the calls stopped, I thought you'd moved on, forgotten all about me and our partnership."

"The calls stopped because even if you answered, what could I offer you? It took so long to realise that and to stop calling, but then I figured out I needed to be the best person I could possibly be, not just for myself but for you as well. You deserve so much more than me but whether you want me or not, I'm yours."

"Don't," he warned, "don't say things like that. I don't care what you think I deserve, it's what I want that counts. And I will always want you, Beckett, no matter what happens between us."

They'd talked more through just now than they had in three years of working together, they'd got out all they wanted to say, the truth finally making itself known. Castle had laid his cards on the table and now it was time for Beckett's final card. "Good, because I love you, Richard Castle and nothing will ever change that."

* * *

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	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: rating has now changed to T, simply out of precaution. Possibly not necessary but better to be safe than sorry.**

* * *

Everything else they'd talked about had gone out of the window with those three words. They'd left Castle dumbstruck, the fact that Beckett had initiated the while conversation and effectively ended it with a simple statement. She loved him? The idea sent shockwaves of pleasure up his spine, the mere thought of a woman as extraordinary as Kate Beckett falling in love with him was absurd, incredible, but absurd. It had been unexpected to day the least, of course he loved her, but hearing her say it to him had been the last thing he would have thought she'd say. Kate Beckett didn't talk about feelings and he accepted that, she was a closed off person who had walls, but it seemed that he'd knocked those walls down..

"Castle?" He heard her say. "Castle, say something, please?"

"I uh.." What did he say? He'd tell her he loved her back soon, but for now he just needed time to process what she'd said to him, it had come as that much of a shock. "Wow."

Kate breathed out a sigh of relief, along with a laugh. "You scared me for a minute there, Castle," she said to him. "I thought you'd gone into shock or something."

"Almost did," he choked out. "Never saw that coming."

Beckett rolled her eyes. "Castle, I flew three thousand miles to talk to you when you'd moved here to get over me, wasn't that enough of an indication that I'm crazy about you?"

His eyes went wide at her newest revelation and Beckett wouldn't deny that it made her feel wanted, that her simply telling him how she felt could invoke this kind of reaction from him. "Maybe I should have told you a long time ago," she joked. "You haven't been this quiet for this long since the day we met."

"Are you trying to kill me?" He gasped. He hadn't moved since she'd admitted she was in love with him, he didn't think he could move, anyway. He was half tempted to pinch himself, make sure this wasn't all a dream that he was going to wake up from any second. She was crazy about him now too? This was exactly what dreams were made of.

Beckett was a little surprised by his reaction, like she'd said, she would have thought her just being here would have told him she was in love with him, surely it shouldn't have come as this much of a shock that she'd finally mustered up the courage to say it. "Maybe I should go," she suggested. "Just to give you some space, some time to think," she added hastily at his worried expression. "I can come back over tonight or..we could go out, if you like. Just..let what I've said sink in and call me if you feel like meeting up later."

Castle didn't put up a fight at her reasoning, simply nodded slowly and sent her a small smile. Perhaps some breathing space was what he needed, a chance to let her admissions sink in without having to see her beautiful face, stricken with worry every time he looked up again. She headed to the door and opened it before looking back over her shoulder at him. "I meant what I said, Castle," she said, "all of it." And then she was gone, the door closing with a soft click behind her.

All he knew was that he needed to do one last thing before she left. Jumping out of his state of shock, Castle ran to the door and yanked it open again, calling out "Beckett, wait!" Down the hallway. Luckily, she'd not quite reached the elevator yet and stopped to turn and face him.

"What's up?" She asked, walking back towards him and meeting him in the middle.

"This," he said, before surging forwards and planting his lips on hers. It took her by surprise at first, after his shocked reaction to her expressing her feelings, she hadn't expected this. His lips were soft and supple against hers, but insistent and powerful, shooting bolts of desires straight through her. "Okay. You can go now," he gasped as he tore his lips from her, a hint of a smile tugging at his mouth.

Beckett didn't even know what to say, simply turning and walking back down the hallway, a huge grin on her face.

* * *

"Oh, Miss Beckett?" The receptionist called as Kate made to walk past. Beckett turned to look at her, waiting to see why she had been stopped. "I have a message for you, it's from a-" she paused the check the slip of paper she was holding, "Victoria Gates in New York."

Oh god, what did Gates want? Surely whatever this was it couldn't be good, right? "Thanks," Beckett muttered, taking the scrap of paper containing the message from the receptionist and studying the message for herself.

_"Detective Beckett_," it read, "_please could you contact the 12th precinct at your earliest convenience, Captain Gates."_

Beckett knew it had to be important, not even Gates would have interrupted her trip to California otherwise. Sighing deeply, Beckett trudged back to her room to call Gates and find out what was going on.

"Ah, Detective Beckett," Gates answered, obviously immediately recognising the different area code. "Thank you for calling."

Well what choice did she have? "Your message made it sound urgent," Beckett said, crossing her fingers in the hope that she wasn't needed back home just yet.

"Well, it is a little," she heard Gates say. "I really hate to do this but I'm afraid we need you back here in New York as soon as possible." To her defence, the captain actually did sound quite upset that she was having to do this.

Worst possible scenario. "I- but what about Espo and Ryan? Can't they go on without me?"

"Detectives Esposito and Ryan are more than accomplished, however Detective Karpowski has come down with the flu and we're running short." There was something in the tone in which Gates spoke that suggested to Beckett that her captain wasn't being entirely truthful, but that wasn't the biggest deal right now.

"And you absolutely have to have me back?" Beckett clarified.

"I'm afraid so, Beckett," Gates sighed. "But please know that I really am sorry to have to do this, you know I wouldn't unless I believed it to be absolutely necessary and that's also why I left a message with reception and didn't call you personally, I would never wish to make your reconciliation with Mr Castle any harder."

Beckett bit back her sarcastic retort, instead promising that she would be on the next plane back to JFK. What the hell was she going to say to Castle?

They'd literally just sorted themselves out, admitting feelings and putting the past behind them. She'd left them in a precarious place and now, instead of having the chance to prove how much he meant to her, she had to fly three thousand miles back in the opposite direction because of her stupid job. However, she knew Gates wouldn't have called unless absolutely necessary, just..she could have waited a day or two, when Beckett was more confident about her standing with Castle, now was the possibly the worst time imaginable.

Bringing up the internet on her cell, Beckett searched for flights back to New York. It was almost 11am now and there was a flight leaving LAX at 2pm that afternoon. It would be a tight call but she booked it anyway, praying for light traffic so she had the chance to speak to Castle face to face before she left.

She packed her things into her small carry on bag that she'd brought with her and hurried back out of the hotel, relieved to find the reception desk void of any other residents, giving her the chance to check out quickly. And then, it was back to her rental car and back over to Castle's. Goodness knows what he was going to say, her nerves were shot to pieces as she pictured all the possible scenarios. What if he blamed her, said she didn't have to go and that she was choosing her job over him? Oh man, this whole relationship thing was going to be a hell of a lot harder than she'd ever imagined it could be.

Beckett!" Castle asked in surprise as he opened the door to her once again. "I didn't think you were coming over until later?"

"Yeah..about that," Kate began. "Look, Castle, I'm really sorry but Captain Gates called and Karpowski is ill and apparently they really need me on this case and Espo and Ryan can't do it alone." She spat the words out quickly, hoping they didn't sound as bad that way. However from the look on Castle's face, her plan didn't work.

"I uh..okay." Was all Castle could manage. When he'd seen her standing there he thought it had been because you couldn't keep herself away, not after what she'd told him this morning but now she was dropping it all to go back to New York. "Well I guess if they need you that badly then you have to go."

"Castle," Beckett pleaded, "please don't be like that."

"Like what? Like I actually thought we might be getting somewhere until once again you put your job before me? Oh no, it's fine, Beckett, you go back home and forget about your little trip to LA."

"That's not fair, Castle," Beckett whispered. "Gates even said to me that the only reason she left a message at reception instead of calling me directly was because she didn't want to interrupt any arguments or makings up that you and I might be having. She didn't want to have to do it but from some reason they need me on this case."

How could Castle argue with that? She was New York's finest, he knew that and she had dropped everything at a moments notice to come out here and track him down before, it was only a matter of time before they couldn't cope without her. Still, he wouldn't deny that it was like a kick in the guts; he was so overwhelmed by her revelations earlier that morning and now they wouldn't even have the chance to see if it was leading anywhere, he didn't know when he'd see her again.

"It's fine, Beckett," he said quietly. "You have to go, I get it."

Beckett checked her watch, obviously torn between staying and making sure he understood or leaving in time to check in and catch her flight back home. God this was killing her, walking away from the man she loved for her job once again but Gates had sounded desperate, almost pleading with her to go back, surely there was more to it than just a difficult case that the boys needed help on? They might act like it sometimes but they weren't actually stupid, both of them were capable of running an investigation without her guidance, this particular case obviously struck a different chord.

"Castle.." She whispered, desperate for him to understand.

"I said it's fine, Beckett," he repeated, perhaps a little more harshly than was strictly necessary.

"I love you," she whispered before backing out of the door and heading down the hallway once again.

* * *

It felt like ages since she'd been on that plane heading out to California in the hope of finding Castle, but in reality, it wasn't all that long. It had been difficult at first, that was for sure, when Castle had wanted nothing to do with her but Beckett had never been more glad of her persistence than she was with this, her sticking around and not giving up when things got tough had almost got her exactly what she wished for. What she wished for right now, however, was not to have to leave him behind right when things were looking up for them. That kiss he'd given her after she'd finally admitted that she was in love with him..god, she must be stupid to leave that behind, all she really wanted to do was drag him to the nearest bedroom and not emerge for half a day.

Beckett wasn't sure when she'd even see him again and that thought tore at her heart. She loved him so much she ached with it and yet with the way they'd left things, he could clam up again, say it wasn't worth getting hurt over and she'd be back to square one, back to trying to convince him that he really was everything to her.

She wasn't even sure how much use she'd be on this case, it must be a difficult one if Gates was summoning her home with regret but Beckett wasn't going to be all there, not until she knew for sure that Castle was okay with her going back home for it. But with this difficult case and Castle still living in LA, they weren't likely to bump into each other over coffee one morning, and Beckett had to accept that that was what she had left behind.

Her heart and her head were telling her different things, her head telling her she was a fool to drop it and should have told Gates where to stick her request to come home but it was her heart she was listening to, her heart that was telling her she really was needed on this case and Gates knew that.

But the question she really wanted to know the answer to was would Castle still want her after this?

* * *

"Okay guys, this better be worth it," Beckett announced wearily as she made her way into the precinct. Her flight had landed shortly before 11pm New York time and she was shattered, all she wanted to do was curl into bed and sleep for three days. However, she had text the boys to say she'd landed and they'd responded saying that they were still at the precinct and could fill Beckett in now if she wanted. If she could stay awake, obviously.

"I wouldn't say that exactly but you'll be happy we called you back," Espo said, sliding her a steaming mug off coffee which she accepted and sipped gratefully. It wasn't as good as the coffee Castle made her but hey, it was caffeine and she was tired. "It's um..not going to be easy, Beckett."

Okay, now she was worried. First a message from her Captain asking her to come home and now the boys looking worried and anxious about having to fill her in on a case? Something was definitely going on.

"Just tell me whatever it is you've got, guys," she demanded, she was far too tired to argue with them.

"We may have a new lead on your shooting," Ryan shot out quickly.

"I..you..what?" Almost a whole year with nothing and now this?

"Yeah, and it could also link back to your mothers murder."

Holy crap this wasn't happening. "I think you better start from the beginning," Beckett said, a shaky laugh escaping as she sat down at her desk. Now this she hadn't been expecting.

And so they did, taking it turns and filling in the gaps, Esposito and Ryan explained what they'd found, starting with the break in at Montgomery's house and what had been taken, followed by the body of Orlando Costas being found and how they had proof it had been him that broke into Montgomery's. And then onto arresting the wrong suspect and ballistics telling them that whoever had killed Costas was the same person who had shot Beckett. But what was more interesting was the fact that whatever Orlando had stolen was needed by this shooter - giving them their link back to Johanna's murder.

"So..this shooter paid Costas to break into Montgomery's place, steal something and then killed him," Beckett summarised, earning a nod from the boys. "And what did he steal?"

"Photos," Espo replied. And there was someone one in particular he seemed to be looking for - we tracked him down, it's a man by the name of Mr Smith, we're going over first thing in the morning, see how he fits in with all of this."

Beckett's head was spinning. It was gone midnight, she was tired and hungry and missing Castle and the boys had just overloaded her brain with information. Information she never could have guessed she'd have."

"That's..incredible work, guys," she commended, they really had done a remarkable job. "And I am excited and a little worried by what you've uncovered but do you think we can pick this up again in the morning? I'm going to crash any second."

"Of course, Beckett," they agreed. "And uh, it's great to have you back." As much as it didn't feel right without Castle, Beckett was sort of glad to be back too. She just knew she'd feel a hell of a lot better if Castle were on board with it all.

She'd call him tomorrow, she promised herself, once she'd had a few hours sleep and time to adjust her body clock again, as well as getting back into the routine of working. It was looking to be a lot of hard work and uncovering of information but they currently had the best lead they'd had on her shooter, now all she needed was her partner back with her.

* * *

**A/N: I apologise if the details around Johanna's murder are a little hazy, it's a lot harder writing it from season 4 perspective when you know all the details! I also feel many of you won't like this chapter, but please stick with me, things improve early in the next chapter, I promise!**

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	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: should have said in the last chapter, but Castle has no affiliation with Smith in this fic. Also, there will possibly be spoilers for 6x22 in the next couple of chapters, just in case you haven't seen the episode. (Are you living in a cave?)**

* * *

5.38am. It wasn't even 6 in the morning and Beckett was stumbling bleary eyed into the shower. Her cell had rung not even ten minutes ago, Esposito calling her back in so they could get to work on the case. Just four hours after she'd collapsed into bed, exhausted from travelling, and all the information the boys had thrown at her the previous night, she was up again and nothing short of a caffeine IV was going to sort her out today.

As she stood under the steady stream of warm water, her mind flashed back to what she could remember about last night. In all honesty, she'd been so tired when she'd arrived at the precinct that not everything had gone in. What she had determined though, was that this case needed the utmost care and precision, almost a year since she'd been shot and _now_ they had a lead, she'd be damned if any of them were going to screw it up and ruin everything.

And the chance to get a name behind her mothers murder..god, she'd waited so long for that, resigning herself to the fact that she'd never have justice but now..well it was within arms distance.

Thoughts of Castle and what she'd left behind in LA flittered through her mind. She didn't know where her leaving left them, she could tell he'd been pretty pissed at her dropping everything for work once again but there had been something in Gates' tone that had told her she needed to be here and she was right, there was no way she'd give up a lead like this on her moms case. But how would Castle see it? She made a mental note to call him that afternoon, she just had to pray he picked up because after everything they'd been through, he had every right to start ignoring her again after this.

Esposito had said she was needed at the precinct ASAP - meaning she had no time to make coffee or stop off for one on the way. Thank god for the stupid espresso machine Castle had brought a few years back. She laughed, remembering the disgusted look on his face as he'd drunk the coffee that apparently tasted 'like a monkey peed in battery acid.' She didn't even want to know how he'd come to that comparison. Damn adorable man child.

The drive to the precinct passed in a blur, the sights of New York passing by her just like most mornings. What she wouldn't give to still be on that beach with Castle.. Maybe one day, if they ever got this mess sorted and Castle moved back, they could vacation there, just the two of them, do the whole dating thing properly. Normally thoughts like that scared the hell out of her, too much of a commitment, but with Castle..always was the only commitment they needed.

The precinct was practically empty when she arrived, everyone else still luckily tucked up in bed or waking up and having coffee and breakfast before heading into work. Espo and Ryan were nowhere to be seen when she arrived but they'd obviously been in not long ago - a steaming cup of coffee was placed in the centre of her desk, waiting for her.

Beckett almost ran to her desk to retrieve the coffee, taking a grateful sip of the hot liquid, oh how she'd needed this, the lack of sleep and stress wearing her down and tiring her- holy shit.. "_Castle_?" she whispered, unsure if she was actually seeing him or it was just a figment of her overtired imagination.

"Hey, Beckett," he replied with a small smile.

"Wh..what are you doing here?" She asked, lowering herself slowly into her chair. Was this really happening right now?

"I uh..came to see you," he said. "I mean..I was angry that you left but after what we've been through I had to tell myself you wouldn't have left for nothing. And then when I landed back in New York, I had a text from Ryan updating me on the case..why didn't you tell me?"

"I only found out when I landed last night..I went home and crashed before Espo woke me up at the crack of dawn. I was going to call this afternoon but..I can't believe you're actually here!" She had dreams about this moment for so long, having her partner back in the precinct to help the tea out on cases and provide light relief when they didn't think their day could get any worse but seeing him here..it was the last thing she ever would have expected.

"Well, I couldn't let you get away again," he said. "Besides, when the woman you've been crazy about for over three years admits that she's in love with you, it's a lot harder than you'd think to forget about her." He sent her another smile and his words made her positively beam, her smile lighting up her whole face.

"Are you saying.."

"Katherine Beckett, I am absolutely positively and hopelessly in love with you and I think if we can work out a way to put the past behind us, we can figure out a future together."

She was on him before he even had a chance to breathe, her lips crashing down on his in a passionate frenzy that had them both fighting for breath. "I love you," she gasped, "so much. Don't you ever doubt that, okay?" She leaned in to kiss him again but they were broken apart by clapping and cheering. Glancing around the room, they saw Ryan, Esposito, Lanie and Captain Gates stood there, grins on their faces as the congratulated the new couple.

"About time, guys!" Lanie said to laughs from the others. "But seriously, I'm so happy for you both, you make a lovely couple."

"Thanks, Lanie," Beckett smiled, her best friend had been so important to her over the past few months and it was something she would never forget.

"Just...keep the kissing to a minimum, yeah?" Espo said, looking slightly disgusted. "Seriously, it's like seeing my parents make out."

"Shut up, Espostio," Kate warned, shooting him one of her best 'don't mess with me' looks. Well, it worked, always did - it was something she secretly liked, knowing she could shut the boys up with a look.

"I shall pretend I didn't see that," Gates said, a hint of a smile tugging at her lips. "And if you can remain professional at the precinct then I see no reason for it to be a problem."

"Thank you, Sir," Beckett said, curling into Castle's side. God it was good to have him back. Obviously they still had a lot to talk about but that would have to wait until they were done for the day.

"So..I guess I need to fill you in, hey?" Beckett said to Castle. She was glad he was here for this, she _needed_ him here, she couldn't do it on her own. It had been down to Castle that they had even realised it wasn't just random gang violence, it was only right that he was still around if they were lucky enough to catch the son of a bitch behind this.

"We'll leave you to it," Ryan said and Beckett was grateful for that. The boys had done some amazing work but she still wanted to fill Castle in alone. By now, a couple of the other detectives who were early risers had started to appear at the precinct, so they headed to the break room for some privacy. They'd just sat down when Espostio interrupted.

"Sorry guys but I thought you should know..we've got a name on your shooter - Cole Maddox. We're trying to locate him now but we're going to see Smith soon, intel says he goes for a run at 7 every morning so we're planning on interrupting."

"Thanks, Espo," Beckett replied as he headed back out into the bullpen. Cole Maddox. It felt weird saying his name in her head, after so long of not knowing who had tried to kill her, now she had a name..

"They..found your shooter?" Castle asked, wondering how much he'd actually missed.

"Looks like it," Beckett said with a shaky laugh. "Let me give you what they've told me and then we can see what else they've found..there was a break in at Captain Montgomery's place. I don't know all the details, just that the guy who did it was called Orlando Costas. They found his body and traced him back to his last location - Montgomery's place, where they worked out he was paid to break in and steal something."

"What?" Castle asked.

"Photos. Apparently there was one in particular he wanted - this Smith guy that Espo was talking about, they think Maddox is after him but they don't know why. Ballistics came back on the gunshot that killed Costas and it was the same guy that shot me - that's when Gates called and asked me to come back."

"You did the right thing," Castle reassured, obviously picking up on her hesitation to continue. "Yes, I was angry that you upped and left but this is your moms case, nothing is more important than that.'

"I love you," Beckett whispered and she'd say it a hundred times over if the look on his face was what she'd get everytime. "I can't even begin to explain what you've done for me and you didn't have to do any of it. If it wasn't for you, we'd still be sat here thinking my mom was murdered by some thug off the street, thank you."

"Don't thank me yet," he retaliated, "we don't have him yet."

"We will," Beckett replied confidently. "The whole team is back together now and nothing is going to stand in the way of us getting justice."

"You really are a remarkable woman," Castle mused, causing Beckett to blush. "Not many people would be strong enough to go through everything you've been through and still come out fighting."

"I guess it helps to have a great partner," she teased.

"Well duh," Castle laughed. "God, if it wasn't for me you'd be frozen to death in a freezer or something."

"If you say so," Beckett said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, as you just heard, Espo has name and hopefully they'll track him down soon. In the meantime, they're going to figure out how Smith fits in with all of this and why Maddox would want to find him." She chewed her lip nervously. They were so close and yet so far at the same time, it was killing her not knowing what was going on and feeling so helpless..all she wanted was Maddox in that interrogation room so she could tear him to pieces until he gave her the name of his employer. And then she'd make sure he went down for the rest of his life for murder. What gave him the right to end peoples lives like that? Who let him decide who lives and who doesn't?

"Hey," Castle interrupted her thoughts, taking her hand across the table. "We'll get him, okay?" He just had to hope they really could, he wasn't sure how much more pain and suffering he could watch her go through.

* * *

The boys came back a little over an hour later with Kate still having had no luck in tracking Maddox down. He was good, she'd give him that, he obviously know they'd be looking for him and knew how to hide. "What did you get from Smith?" She asked as Esposito and Ryan joined them at her desk.

"He wouldn't give too much away," Espo said. "Seemed like he was worried about who would over hear. But what he did sat was that Montgomery sent him a package shortly before he died."

"Did he say what was in that package?" Castle asked.

"No," Ryan said, shaking his head. "wouldn't tell us that. We guess it has something to do with Beckett's moms case though, given that Montgomery was.."

"Yeah, possibly," Beckett said, cottoning on to Ryan's line of thinking. It was the only scenario that made sense - Montgomery had sent the package to Smith, obviously someone he trusted, and this package probably had proof of who was behind her moms murder. "But how do we get this package?"

"I don't know," Espo said, "but we need to get to it before Maddox does, no doubt he'll destroy any evidence left linking whoever's behind it to your moms murder."

"Well then," Castle said, "we need to find Maddox. We find him, we might get a name. But even if he doesn't give it up, at least we know he isn't going after Smith for that package."

"Yeah, except the guys a ghost," Esposito explained. "No wife, no kids, no address..not to mention he's a trained killer and the photo we have of him might not even be accurate."

"There has to be something we can do," Ryan whined.

"I'll go and see Smith," Beckett announced, standing up abruptly from her seat. "He might not have told you guys anything but this package sounds like it directly relates to my moms case, he might have a harder time refusing me." And with that, she holstered her gun and grabbed her keys, heading towards the elevator.

"I hope she knows what she's doing," Esposito muttered.

"You comin', Castle?" Beckett called over her shoulder. Just like old times.

* * *

**A/N: little bit more case-centric for now, but there will be more Beckett and Castle relationship chats soon!**

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	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: personal update: I'm currently in the process of moving to Spain for two months (I'm from England) and so life is pretty hectic right now, but I promise I won't abandon this story and will try and get the final few chapters up ASAP! Thank you!**

* * *

"Mr Smith?" Beckett called as she banged on the door. "This is detective Kate Beckett with the NYPD, I need you to open the door." Nothing. Nobody answered, they couldn't even hear anybody moving inside the apartment but she tried again, louder this time.

"Beckett," Castle said, "I really don't think he's in. Why don't we go back to the precinct and try again later?"

"He might not be there but the package could be," she replied, stepping a few paces away from the door in preparation to barge through. "Stand back," she warned.

"No..Beckett, wait," Castle said, gripping her upper arm firmly. "You can't just go breaking into people's apartments! I mean, I know I'm all for knocking doors down and sneaking around but you've got nothing that proves Smith has this package in the apartment, what if someone calls the cops?"

"I _am_ the cops, Castle," she reminded him.

Dammit, she was stubborn when she wanted something. Okay, think, he told himself, what would stop her from doing this? "Okay fine," he relented. "Have it your way - break down the door and then when the cops come, I'll leave it to you to do the talking, okay?"

He could see the hesitation in her eyes, a hesitation almost hidden by the steely determination he'd seen there so many times before. He had her and he knew it. "Fine," she sighed. "But we're not leaving, we'll sit in the car and watch for a while, see if he comes back."

It was a compromise but given how proud of himself he was at having got her to back down, it was a compromise he was willing to take.

* * *

They sat in a comfortable silence in the car, the kind of silence that wasn't awkward when you knew the other person so well and were both just happy to sit and think for a while. Beckett had text the boys on the way back to the car and given them an update, also asking them to keep her and Castle informed of any developments they might have with Maddox.

It was about ten minutes later when Castle broke the silence. "You left," he said simply, as if only now realising what had happened.

Beckett hesitated for a minute. She had been dreading this conversation coming up, the moment Castle put aside his joy that she was in love with him for a moment and actually thought about how it had all played out. "I had to," she whispered. "I just can't leave my moms case alone. I wish I could..oh god you have no idea how much I wish I was strong enough to walk away from it all and let it carry on with my interference but I can't."

"You're wrong," he replied. "About not being strong enough. You're the strongest person I know and I mean that as a compliment. I would never, ever ask you to choose me over your moms case, I know how badly you want this but I can't sit here and say it didn't hurt when you left LA."

"I had to," she repeated. "Gates called me and..I don't know I just _knew_ I had to come back. I didn't want to, I can promise you that I never wanted to leave you but this..thirteen years, Castle." She looked up at him, eyes begging him to understand why she'd done what she had. "Thirteen years of being brushed off by the investigating detective, of it being passed off as random gang violence. Thirteen years of heartache and pain and suffering, of having no one to turn to when my dad chose the bottle over his only daughter. Of endless nights down in the archives at the the precinct, scouring the pages of her case file, desperate to find something someone had missed..and all it took to see the smallest ray of light was you, interfering and poking your nose in where it wasn't wanted but look how far you've got us, Castle."

"Yeah, and now we have nothing," he said, stretching the truth just a little for dramatisation. They didn't exactly have nothing but it sounded a lot better for his argument than saying they might have something when Smith got home. "We're sat in your car outside the apartment of a man we know nothing about when all you had to do was say no, I'm not going back to that. You just said yourself that it's been thirteen years of heartache and pain and yet you willingly came back to it!" Castle didn't even know why he was so angry, he meant what he'd said, that he would never ask her to choose him over her mothers case but he still failed to understand why she kept going back when there was no promise of a solution. So many times in the four years he'd known her had they thought they'd got close only to have it ripped away again and yet here they were, back at square one.

"You didn't have to come back, you know," she shot back coldly. "If you don't want to be a part of this then there's nothing stopping you from going back to California and forgetting all about this case. I understand," she lied, "it's not easy and at the end of the day, it's not your mother - why would you want to sit around doing this for someone you didn't even know?" The words were harsh and completely unnecessary - not to mention the complete opposite of the man she was saying them to. But she was angry, more at the case than at Castle but as usual, he was the one she took her anger out on.

"Is that really what you think?" He asked. "You honestly think I don't care about what happens because I didn't know your mother? I may not have known her but if her daughter is anything to go by then she must have been a pretty remarkable woman." How could she sit there and say that? It had been him that had reopened the investigation in the first place and now she was pushing him away again?

"No, that's not what I think," she sighed, running her hands through her hair. "Because you are one of the kindest, sweetest, most genuine people I have ever met and I know that even know you didn't know my mom, you're doing this anyway, because you want to." She didn't deserve him, that was being made abundantly clear right now but she was selfish, she didn't care that she didn't deserve him, she wanted him anyway. "Without you..we wouldn't be here and I'm sorry, okay, I really am sorry that we've come so close so many times only to have it all slip away again but I can't walk away from this. I won't stop you from leaving because I can't force you to be in this with me but please, Castle, don't make me do this on my own."

Castle was about to reply when he caught sight of something out of the corner of his eye. Glancing up, he realised it was who they en're here to see. "There's Smith," he said, moving to get out of the car. Looking back, he realised Beckett hadn't moved. "What are you doing?" He asked, "I thought we were here to see Smith?"

"We are," she said. "But he will still be there tomorrow and the next day, I'm not getting out of this car until I know you understand why I had to leave California." I took everything she had to make herself stay in that car but Castle meant so much to her, she wouldn't ruin everything again for a man who may or may not be able to help them. And he was going inside his apartment, they'd see if he left again. She'd waited thirteen years, five more minutes wouldn't kill her.

It was in that moment, as Castle was half in and half out of the car that he realised something - he understood why she had come back, because right now, he wanted the son of a bitch who had taken Beckett's mother from her just as much as Beckett herself did.

"I get it," he admitted. "I get why this means so much to you. I meant what I said about how knowing you makes me realise how incredible your mother must have been, she raised an amazing daughter and right now, I want justice for her too."

Beckett could have cried. She could have potentially been faced with the hardest decision of her life, choosing Castle or her mothers case but she needed him to understand, he'd been there for the biggest developments they'd had so far and she honestly couldn't do it without him.

"So does that mean we can go and talk to Smith now?" Castle asked.

"Yeah," Beckett smiled. "Let's go."

The two of them hurried back across the road and into the apartment block and up the stairs, they didn't have time to wait for the elevator to arrive. They'd just reached the door to Smith's apartment when they heard shouting.

"Who the hell are you?" Came a voice that was probably Smtih. "Get out of my apartment before I call the police!" The other voice was speaking too quietly for either of them to hear, but Smith didn't lower his volume. "I don't know what you're talking about, I have nothing that you could possibly be looking for. Now leave!"

Beckett knocked on the door, hoping interrupting would startle the intruder into leaving or something. "Mr Smith," she called. "Can you open up, please?"

They waited a few moments but everything was quiet, which was strange given that he had been making quite a lot of noise not long ago. "Can I break the door down now?" She muttered to Castle, not waiting for an answer before she pushed her way inside. She pulled her gun out and positioned it in front of her as she walked into the apartment slowly, looking for Smith and the intruder. Smith was in the living room - lying on the floor with a pool of blood oozing from his side. "Castle!" She gasped. "Call an ambulance!" After checking the room was safe, she knelt down next to him and felt for a pulse. "He's alive," she mumbled. "Mr Smith? Can you hear me?" The rest of the apartment was empty and the large bay window was wide open - the intruder must have left using the fire escape.

Smith half opened his eyes, gasping for breath before realising who was in front of him. "Maddox.." He groaned. "Was here. Not..safe..package.." And then his eyes closed.

Once the paramedics had rushed Smith into hospital, Castle and Beckett were about to have a quick look around, see if they could find the package Montogmery had sent to Smith when Beckett's cell phone rang. "It's Esposito," she said before answering. "Hey Espo, what's up?"

"I think you guys need to come back here," he said, "there's been an explosion on Markwell Street and it turns out Smith owns the building."

"That's not good," Castle said when Beckett relayed the information to him. "Do you think it's Maddox?"

"Only one way to find out," she said, heading to the crime scene and not to the precinct. The bastard deserved everything that was coming to him.

* * *

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